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The Words You Can t Take Back

The Words You Can t Take Back: "What do you do when somebody says i love you?" http://shibari-confessions.com

where oh where has shibi gone?

http://shibari-confessions.com

2008 Shibari Style

So 2008 so glad it is effing over ! Wanted to do a reflection of what happened over the last year ..

So let me grab the kleenex's and I will go throught my year ..
The beginning of 2008 found me recovering from surgery. I had my gallbladder out and it took awhile to heal .
I was living alone in my home from my divorce .. The water heater went out and even though we (me and the ex husband) were selling the house together.. He had no money to help me buy a new one.
** My bro in law got me a ten gallon water heater to use until I could buy a new one. So let me assure you I have learned the fine art of a quick shower.

I also know the freaking brilliance of paper plates and plastic forks and cups.

I had also started my new job in convention services, doing exhibit exhibition.

With that I had started making friends. My friends not couple friends. But real true friends. that was new.

I also found out that my ex husband who was paying for the house hadn't made a payment since November, and my house was in foreclosure.

I in turn took a bold step, got an attorney, (i didn't have one with the divorce) and took him back to court. Where the judge ordered him to pay, and his attorney told the judge that his client (my ex husband) would pay the house out of foreclosure and continue payments.

I was still making both car payments.. his and mine.

Did find that he was NOT making payments... and the house indeed would be foreclosed in June.

Stopped making payments on asshole's car.

Moved in with parents.

Started dating .. It took a year to even try.

Hooked up with a Dom who .. was more elusive than my ex husband. He also wanted me to carry and cultivate the relationship.. and I was needing desperately for someone to cultivate and carry me.

yeah I ended that.

THEN I met Bran... *sigh* He was a GREAT guy .. Loving.. kind.. sweet ... adorable and beautiful . We had everything in common.. and I was hooked .
Let myself get emotional over him.. let myself feel for him.
and then the confessions came .. married. and a dealbreaker of a profession. We tried to be friends .. but it was too hard to not slip into familiar ground of caring. Then his wife found out and it was O V E R! Even tho nothing improprietus going on.

Got HOOKED on secondlife .. yeah I am a dweeb but whatever. ..

Met Bama. He taught me to laugh again, and not take myself so seriously. He also started encouraging me to dream BIG and do something different. Go back to school .. conquer mediocrity and Grow!!! He also impregnated me. YAY Bama for going where no man has *cough* gone before.

Met 42 and met my twin... I swear we are too alike .. I love him dearly my brother from another mother... He came to visit and I learned how to instigate and involve myself in trouble. I also learned how to infiltrate crowds and make them use naughty words in conversation. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I needed him... he would be there for me in a pinch.

Losing the baby -- was completely hard. I am still having some sadness about it. But I am doing better. A lot better.

I have learned to do things on my own without fear. I am learning and growing as a human being. I am learning who I am as a woman. I have learned more this last year than I have ever learned before.

2008 with it's heartbreaks has been an amazing year.

I found that I am not your typical human. I have a heart AND a brain. I have strength that is supernatural because there is no way humanly possible that I could be where I am without it.
and I am excited about the possibilities of 2009

I found that love is not complicated, but easy .. and it doesn't have to be scary even when you lose it.
and perhaps.. just perhaps love is waiting for me in 2009.. or a good spank and a good hairpull.. we shall see.

Happy New Year My Lovlies.

Shibari World

*sigh*

After a pretty emo week last week... heh

I realize that all my goings on were leaving me a little stressed. My go to person was punishing me with silence.

Can I just say that silence is freaking the WORST way to punish me. I need .. crave .. have to talk things out . OR my imagination goes mad.. thinking every worst case scenario there could be and inventing a few of my own.

I am pre mad cow so .. not feeling to smexxay on top of that. For those of you new to my blogosphere mad cow is a euphanism for pms ... I think it is a freaking better term anyhow. You know us heffers get pretty effin bitchy ... I know it .. so I don't even care .. but here is the thing men .. never EVER EVER say to a woman "Are you OTR "

cuz she WILL and with enthusiasm scratch your eyes out.

With that boys.. the term "yes dear" .. I can not tell you how much I hate that term. It is just a nice way of saying "fuck you" when you aren't wanting to deal with something your woman is bitching about. Sometimes it is easier to just listen... and say " Hey I respect what you are saying!" Makes it seem much more like you value there opinion.

Today one of my co-workers Tyson was joking with me .. he says I am scandalous. I LOVE THAT! I think I blow peoples minds that actually get to know me. I am pretty quiet and shy at work . But .. get me outside of work , and I am comfortable in my element... call me party girl shibari. I like to make people laugh and have a good time.. I am able to get people to bend to my will... hehe.. NO not like that.. just I can talk people into doing most anything.. call me an enabler. I enable people to act in ways they otherwise might not. Now, that isn't always a bad thing .. but sometimes it can be naughty. Remember .. a few weeks ago, when I went out with Trevor I got everyone in the bar to use the term.. ASSRAPED .. yes that is right. ASS RAPED.
Granted we were using it in terms of my ex husband. lol...

In Primm, I only instigated some little stuff. But the cool thing about that was meeting people I might not have otherwise met. I got a picture and I will so post it. I just need to be on a different computer.

Lately I have been dreaming... of a different life. I will share with you what I have been mulling over in my head.. I am going back to school. I will be getting my degree in psych/sociology. In theory I want to be a therapist with an emphasis in sex therapy.. No friends I will not be offering up my services as a surrogate.. get yer minds out of the gutter. But what I want to do eventually, is own my own bed and breakfast. I would have retreats for couples, where I would teach them how to connect better with their communication skills, and to learn how to bring intimacy back to their relationship.

I have thought of doing this for awhile.. What really made me consider it, is the ammount of emails I get from one partner of a marriage. When I first started this blog, I didn't want to spill all the nasty details of my marriage and divorce. But I am grateful I did. It has helped a few people and for that I am truly glad.

Well I am getting in the shower ... my body is achy.. and I am craving the way the water feels pounding my shoulders...and sliding down my body ... mm mm good.

partyin in primm FREECATION style

Yep i am here and I have my Dad's laptop ... woot woot
You know i am so bloggin from my hotel room.. Had a great time .. 3 maitais and 2 appletinis and I am feelin ... fine.
REAL fine.
Now here is the kawinky dink...
My best friend Justin .. as I blogged about earlier on here had made arrangements to stay at Primm Valley, on the same nite .. called me today to see if i was still coming out here I was like "YUP"
Then like right as I was leaving he called to tell me HE was leaving for Primm so he just came and picked me up. On my way outta town my gf Jewel called . We had a great conversation... she had me giggling for 20 minutes til my phone died.
Stupid Sprint service! Loses signal on the way out of town.. how safe is that in an emergency?
Anywho we get out here and he drops me off at registration and goes to his hotel. I check in and go to my room and get a text .
"zomg this line is so freaking long I still haven't checked in"
so me being the lovely bitchopottumus that i am texts back
"Really, I am so laying on my bed watching my cousin vinny"
He writes back
"you suck whore"
I write back
"only if you ask me nicely and pull my hair"
justin then says
"zomg this guy is 110 years old and does not need to be working with the public"
I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF
Later i had to take the monorail over to his hotel so we could trek over to whiskey petes for dinner
We had so much fun .. I totally ate the wrong thing. I am suffering.. stupid gallbladder that doesn't exist anymore.
Went drinking.. yepppp drinking
Listend to the Randy Anderson Band
www.randyandersonband.com
Watched old people try to break a hip dancing.
I am not even going to talk about the guy making eyes and picking up on me.
L O S E R!
Then we took the shuttle back to the hotels
I swear to God that was the funnest shuttle EVER.
I tried to get a pic of Social Distortion guy that had me laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants. He kept hi-fiving me.
Then the two couples that got on the shuttle were freaking hilarious.. I remember none of their names but Tonto
laughs a minute right?
We were all joking and laughing it was a great trip back
then justin got off the shuttle to go to his own hotel
and that was when the shuttle was like
:lady your husband is getting off :
I am like " Dudes ..that is my best friend" and then i said "buh bye best friend":
the all started laughing.
I got a few offers to hang out with everyone .. but I was a little tired and came back to my room. and here i am blogging .
I am so digging my playlist right now.
It is so freaking bipolar.. and ecclectic.. but you should really give it a listen... hehe
well i am gonna undress.. and take a shower
nitey nite my luvs!

Customizing My Saturday

Sick Puppies
My World

I'm not coming back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doing shit for you
I'm not sitting around
While you're tearing it down around us
I'm not living a lie
While you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You'll leave me out on the curb
Just like everyone else before you

[Chorus]
Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need
Always ends up leaving me alone
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think
I'm not seeing a shrink
I'm not doing this again
I'm not another
Student or a mother
To take your shit out on
So let's see what you got
And let's see what you're not
And whatever else you pretend
You've defended my intentions
Long enough

[Chorus]

So here I am again
In the middle of the end
And the choice I wish I'd made
I always make too late


So.. had this moment of clarity this morning .. especially after receiving a ton of emails ..
My funniest one came from a reader who said ...
"Repeat after me ... I DATE THE WRONG GUYS ... I DATE THE WRONG GUYS"

omgosh I think i still have a tear in my eye over that, and my ribs are hurting..

so yeah here is where the moment of clarity stepped in ...

I have dated the wrong guys ..

It seems like everyone that I have uttered the words "I love you" to, always ends up fucking me over. Which is all well and good.. I guess. But it leaves me .. fucked over.. and not in the good way. Ugh!!! I hate not in the good way!

The thing is why do they wait until those famous words are uttered. A day earlier.. words that can't be taken back haven't been said .. and then ME the dumbass.. wouldn't look like so stupid. I am starting to wonder if like the color blue , dumbass is a look that suits me.

So ... I am going to stick to the basics.. food...water .. shelter.

My best friend Justin ... has a philosophy... " No plants.. No Pets .. No Permanent People" He is forty years old and never married.. no kids.. and yes he has not plants either. He seems happy. He has money goes where he wants .. spends time with who he wants.. life is good in Justin-world. He is a firm believer that SEX is not a romantic thing but a basic human function.. like eating chocolate. Ok.. so maybe food not chocolate. He can fuck whoever and not get attached. Good FOR him.

Good for those of you who can. I am not sure I can bump uglies with just random people. I like having that connection. Where someone looks you in the eyes, and not only holds your body but your heart.

But I am seeing that : Relationships complicate EVERYTHING.

I am a freaking serial monogamist who dates people who are serial commitment-phobes. That or they are just assholes. I mean DickDick men.

The thing that REALLY pisses me off about it is no matter what is going on .. my mom takes the side of the other person. *rolls eyes*

I was laughing as I was tweeting on twitter, especially after posting my dickdick and mangina man post... One of my tweeps was saying her husband was neither a dickdick or a manginaman .. he was awesome .. So.. leaves me to wonder .. is there another category. Perhaps just a has penis will travel category? I am not saying this blows my theory out of the water.. I am just saying maybe there is another cateogory.

Me and my girls can lament our incessant need to run headfirst into DickDick territory. But is there an underlying reason why? One of my friends DD says that people are either submissive or Dominant . Which means that submissives are craving that Dominant side. But can't a true Dom or Domme be dominate without being an ass? I mean is it possible. I think it can be. Just because a girl likes to be tied up and spanked , doesn't mean she likes her heart tortured by emotional terrorism.

So where do we draw the line? Where do I draw the line?

I am thirtyten years old and I have LESS of a clue as to what makes a good relationship and even less of how to find one.

I can be loving .. and giving .. and kind... and all it does is leave ME screwed over. So what is a girl to do?

Well, this girl made plans a few weeks ago to join her co workers (eeps) in Primm for a freecation. lol

Primm (at stateline of Nevada and California) is throwing a promotion for Nevada residents for a free nights hotel room stay. I set up my room and will be at Buffalo Bills tonite .. woot ! Even tho all my co workers are at Primm Valley .. oh well.. hehe I wonder how that happened? So I am going to pack my shit.. head out there, Do some window shopping .. cuz you KNOW I am broke as hell til friday. Then I am going to do a little drinking .. and go to bed. Sleep on it.

It will be nice to get away .

Now if i could only get a vacation from thinking too much *giggle*

The tale of the DICK DICK And MANGINA MAN

It is funny that people think you can't see them for who they really are.

And when you do .. sometimes it is hard to not just see that aspect of them.

I think it all boils down to I am tired of finding people who hurt me.

And not just hurt me but do it purposefully, and act like I should be ok with it ..



I am not.



not ok with it at all.



hold on because i do have a healthy enough rage going on inside of me that I am actually crying... One of the bonuses of being a girl..



You see We cry when we are happy ....

and sad...

and fucking furious...

and that is where I am .. furious.



See men do this little thing (sorry to lump you all together but it is true.) That when they are done.. truly done.. they are sometimes too chicken shit to just say Done! So they are passive agressive... Let's examine some of this behavior...



a. they don't call or text you...

(and then they act like it is you.. headfuckinggames ) (that or to make you feel like you are out of your mind ... yeah right !)



b. they allow you to go through painful experiences practically alone, and tell you Well... I think we want two different things.



c. they tell you you don't listen..

(when you were sitting there right in the middle of the fucking conversation with them and YOU KNOW exactly what was said.. and what they are pushing to get you to believe is NOT what was said )



I am just sooo over done with all of it ..



I have listened to my friends bemoan their relationships for the last three weeks ... and these above complaints are just the top of the list...



Today I had a conversation with my friend BBG. I told her I have a theory on relationships...

here it is .. just bear with me cuz.. well I am writing and if you are reading your kinda stuck unless you click the X.



We as women are attracted to DICKS .. yeah ok I know but humor me... there are two kind of dicks.. there are dick-dicks .. and dicks who have mangina.

For some reason.. we women will meet a nice guy ... please step forward Mr.Dickwithmangina...

Sweet ... polite.. parents love him. He opens car doors... he dotes on you. Calls you non stop ... leaves 47 messages an hour.. texts you to tell you, that you are beautiful and he can't live without you...



and what happens ... RED FLAG ... the buzzer in our head starts screaming MANGINA MANGINNNNNNAAAAA MANGIIIIIIIIIIINA



and we instantly feel our cookie store close.



We break it off and we have no bad feelings because Mr. NiceGuy ... has mangina and well we already have a gina attached to us.. we need only one...



Mr. DickDick will now step forward.. You can tell him by his smug arrogance.. and "I was created to fuck everyone over " attitude.

(thank you for joining us Dick)



Watch as he throws his penis over his shoulder.. he is quite the catch ... and you know all females "ginas" are salivating at the chance to just be with Mr.DickDick. So because this man is a penis who is a Dick .. yeah ... they jump at the chance to be berated.. ignored and ... classically put on hold while Mr. DickDick does what he wants. Fucks who he wants.. and generally ... carries on as per normal. Meanwhile making our fair Gina friend feel like she is the cause of all relationship grief.

I was married to a DickDick .. and have dated DickDicks.. I watch as my beautiful successful friends do the same.. so aDICKted to the dickdick that they forget that they themselves have a brain and are awesome and they can indeed buy their own dick with no personality issues at one of the clickable links on the side of my blog. (just click it girls it will save you thousands in therapy bills)

Don't get me wrong ... I fall into the cateogory of poorly chosen ... unwisely picked... and eager to be shit on relationships.

It isn't that DickDicks fuck better (well they do have that whole aggressive and just take it aspect) Because I am sure Dickmanginas fuck just as great.

And i am not just saying this talking about men.. I know there are some dickdick women out there too. AND YOUUUUU know who you are ladies.. (i am so jealous I can't be more of a dickdick than a gina)

I know you are reading this going WHAT THE FUCK IS SHIBARI talking about..
But truly ... what say you on this subject?

Waiting

It is late, and I am wanting
… more so needing ,
craving your hand.
Let your fingers



curl and tangle in my hair
Pull me in front of you
I know



YOU
Have the control
Watch my tongue
Slide over my lips In anticipation..



My eyes



widen with knowing
The seduction



of your power
Guide me
Own my breath
Every sound that escapes
Let it belong to you also
Bind my wrists
Bind my ankles
Bend me to your will
Awaiting



your voice so dangerous and loving
As you whisper in my ear
Who I am
What your plan is for me..
And I shiver



as I await your hand…
My pain and pleasure yield to you
And my fantasy is fulfilled in belonging…
To you … wholly…

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas...

Merry Christmas...
Thank you to all my close friends for their texts.. words of encouragement ... kisses ... hugss... and so many other things.

Thank you Thank you to BBG for her Xmas wish for me... that was truly special.. you know i love you loads...

Let's see what Santa brought...
a booklight
and rechargeable batteries for my camera.
and always an orange and an apple.

My sister gave me...
some make up.. and some things for my purse. (to keep it off the floor .. and a key holder so i can find my keys easily.)

I gave her --
The movie : The Cutting Edge (toooeeeeee pick)
gourmet popcorn and caramel and kettle corn stuff for it
and a childrens book "Sisters"

for my bro in law .. i gave him Monty Pythons Meaning of life...

the nephews I gave $25 i tune cards

My Grandad got me a Visa Gift Card.

I gave him a beautiful striped dress shirt and a sweater to go over it.

My parents got me :
2 pair of pants.. a shirt and a gift card.
monkey bisquits for molasses my turtle
and a nail clipper for my dogs

I gave them:
Dad-- Dewalt saw blades
a freaking huge dewalt tool kit

Mom : Estee Lauder Intuition
jammies

Bama -- gave me Ralph Lauren Notorious (good gift bama it was on my fantasy xmas list.. did you read that?)

I gave him a laptop bag for his new job

I am a little tired right now . Would love to be snuggled and cozied up by a fire. Kissing and cuddling. Maybe drinking some hot cocoa... with some butterscotch schnapps...

sounds divine...