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2010-10-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

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The Words You Can t Take Back

2009-07-08T22:39:00.000-07:00

The Words You Can t Take Back: "What do you do when somebody says i love you?" http://shibari-confessions.com

where oh where has shibi gone?

2009-02-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

http://shibari-confessions.com

2008 Shibari Style

2008-12-31T13:02:00.000-08:00

So 2008 so glad it is effing over ! Wanted to do a reflection of what happened over the last year ..

So let me grab the kleenex's and I will go throught my year ..
The beginning of 2008 found me recovering from surgery. I had my gallbladder out and it took awhile to heal .
I was living alone in my home from my divorce .. The water heater went out and even though we (me and the ex husband) were selling the house together.. He had no money to help me buy a new one.
** My bro in law got me a ten gallon water heater to use until I could buy a new one. So let me assure you I have learned the fine art of a quick shower.

I also know the freaking brilliance of paper plates and plastic forks and cups.

I had also started my new job in convention services, doing exhibit exhibition.

With that I had started making friends. My friends not couple friends. But real true friends. that was new.

I also found out that my ex husband who was paying for the house hadn't made a payment since November, and my house was in foreclosure.

I in turn took a bold step, got an attorney, (i didn't have one with the divorce) and took him back to court. Where the judge ordered him to pay, and his attorney told the judge that his client (my ex husband) would pay the house out of foreclosure and continue payments.

I was still making both car payments.. his and mine.

Did find that he was NOT making payments... and the house indeed would be foreclosed in June.

Stopped making payments on asshole's car.

Moved in with parents.

Started dating .. It took a year to even try.

Hooked up with a Dom who .. was more elusive than my ex husband. He also wanted me to carry and cultivate the relationship.. and I was needing desperately for someone to cultivate and carry me.

yeah I ended that.

THEN I met Bran... *sigh* He was a GREAT guy .. Loving.. kind.. sweet ... adorable and beautiful . We had everything in common.. and I was hooked .
Let myself get emotional over him.. let myself feel for him.
and then the confessions came .. married. and a dealbreaker of a profession. We tried to be friends .. but it was too hard to not slip into familiar ground of caring. Then his wife found out and it was O V E R! Even tho nothing improprietus going on.

Got HOOKED on secondlife .. yeah I am a dweeb but whatever. ..

Met Bama. He taught me to laugh again, and not take myself so seriously. He also started encouraging me to dream BIG and do something different. Go back to school .. conquer mediocrity and Grow!!! He also impregnated me. YAY Bama for going where no man has *cough* gone before.

Met 42 and met my twin... I swear we are too alike .. I love him dearly my brother from another mother... He came to visit and I learned how to instigate and involve myself in trouble. I also learned how to infiltrate crowds and make them use naughty words in conversation. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I needed him... he would be there for me in a pinch.

Losing the baby -- was completely hard. I am still having some sadness about it. But I am doing better. A lot better.

I have learned to do things on my own without fear. I am learning and growing as a human being. I am learning who I am as a woman. I have learned more this last year than I have ever learned before.

2008 with it's heartbreaks has been an amazing year.

I found that I am not your typical human. I have a heart AND a brain. I have strength that is supernatural because there is no way humanly possible that I could be where I am without it.
and I am excited about the possibilities of 2009

I found that love is not complicated, but easy .. and it doesn't have to be scary even when you lose it.
and perhaps.. just perhaps love is waiting for me in 2009.. or a good spank and a good hairpull.. we shall see.

Happy New Year My Lovlies.

Shibari World

2008-12-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

After a pretty emo week last week... heh

I realize that all my goings on were leaving me a little stressed. My go to person was punishing me with silence.

Can I just say that silence is freaking the WORST way to punish me. I need .. crave .. have to talk things out . OR my imagination goes mad.. thinking every worst case scenario there could be and inventing a few of my own.

I am pre mad cow so .. not feeling to smexxay on top of that. For those of you new to my blogosphere mad cow is a euphanism for pms ... I think it is a freaking better term anyhow. You know us heffers get pretty effin bitchy ... I know it .. so I don't even care .. but here is the thing men .. never EVER EVER say to a woman "Are you OTR "

cuz she WILL and with enthusiasm scratch your eyes out.

With that boys.. the term "yes dear" .. I can not tell you how much I hate that term. It is just a nice way of saying "fuck you" when you aren't wanting to deal with something your woman is bitching about. Sometimes it is easier to just listen... and say " Hey I respect what you are saying!" Makes it seem much more like you value there opinion.

Today one of my co-workers Tyson was joking with me .. he says I am scandalous. I LOVE THAT! I think I blow peoples minds that actually get to know me. I am pretty quiet and shy at work . But .. get me outside of work , and I am comfortable in my element... call me party girl shibari. I like to make people laugh and have a good time.. I am able to get people to bend to my will... hehe.. NO not like that.. just I can talk people into doing most anything.. call me an enabler. I enable people to act in ways they otherwise might not. Now, that isn't always a bad thing .. but sometimes it can be naughty. Remember .. a few weeks ago, when I went out with Trevor I got everyone in the bar to use the term.. ASSRAPED .. yes that is right. ASS RAPED.
Granted we were using it in terms of my ex husband. lol...

In Primm, I only instigated some little stuff. But the cool thing about that was meeting people I might not have otherwise met. I got a picture and I will so post it. I just need to be on a different computer.

Lately I have been dreaming... of a different life. I will share with you what I have been mulling over in my head.. I am going back to school. I will be getting my degree in psych/sociology. In theory I want to be a therapist with an emphasis in sex therapy.. No friends I will not be offering up my services as a surrogate.. get yer minds out of the gutter. But what I want to do eventually, is own my own bed and breakfast. I would have retreats for couples, where I would teach them how to connect better with their communication skills, and to learn how to bring intimacy back to their relationship.

I have thought of doing this for awhile.. What really made me consider it, is the ammount of emails I get from one partner of a marriage. When I first started this blog, I didn't want to spill all the nasty details of my marriage and divorce. But I am grateful I did. It has helped a few people and for that I am truly glad.

Well I am getting in the shower ... my body is achy.. and I am craving the way the water feels pounding my shoulders...and sliding down my body ... mm mm good.

partyin in primm FREECATION style

2008-12-28T00:32:00.000-08:00

Yep i am here and I have my Dad's laptop ... woot woot
You know i am so bloggin from my hotel room.. Had a great time .. 3 maitais and 2 appletinis and I am feelin ... fine.
REAL fine.
Now here is the kawinky dink...
My best friend Justin .. as I blogged about earlier on here had made arrangements to stay at Primm Valley, on the same nite .. called me today to see if i was still coming out here I was like "YUP"
Then like right as I was leaving he called to tell me HE was leaving for Primm so he just came and picked me up. On my way outta town my gf Jewel called . We had a great conversation... she had me giggling for 20 minutes til my phone died.
Stupid Sprint service! Loses signal on the way out of town.. how safe is that in an emergency?
Anywho we get out here and he drops me off at registration and goes to his hotel. I check in and go to my room and get a text .
"zomg this line is so freaking long I still haven't checked in"
so me being the lovely bitchopottumus that i am texts back
"Really, I am so laying on my bed watching my cousin vinny"
He writes back
"you suck whore"
I write back
"only if you ask me nicely and pull my hair"
justin then says
"zomg this guy is 110 years old and does not need to be working with the public"
I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF
Later i had to take the monorail over to his hotel so we could trek over to whiskey petes for dinner
We had so much fun .. I totally ate the wrong thing. I am suffering.. stupid gallbladder that doesn't exist anymore.
Went drinking.. yepppp drinking
Listend to the Randy Anderson Band
www.randyandersonband.com
Watched old people try to break a hip dancing.
I am not even going to talk about the guy making eyes and picking up on me.
L O S E R!
Then we took the shuttle back to the hotels
I swear to God that was the funnest shuttle EVER.
I tried to get a pic of Social Distortion guy that had me laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants. He kept hi-fiving me.
Then the two couples that got on the shuttle were freaking hilarious.. I remember none of their names but Tonto
laughs a minute right?
We were all joking and laughing it was a great trip back
then justin got off the shuttle to go to his own hotel
and that was when the shuttle was like
:lady your husband is getting off :
I am like " Dudes ..that is my best friend" and then i said "buh bye best friend":
the all started laughing.
I got a few offers to hang out with everyone .. but I was a little tired and came back to my room. and here i am blogging .
I am so digging my playlist right now.
It is so freaking bipolar.. and ecclectic.. but you should really give it a listen... hehe
well i am gonna undress.. and take a shower
nitey nite my luvs!

Customizing My Saturday

2008-12-27T10:23:00.000-08:00

Sick Puppies
My World

I'm not coming back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doing shit for you
I'm not sitting around
While you're tearing it down around us
I'm not living a lie
While you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You'll leave me out on the curb
Just like everyone else before you

[Chorus]
Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need
Always ends up leaving me alone
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think
I'm not seeing a shrink
I'm not doing this again
I'm not another
Student or a mother
To take your shit out on
So let's see what you got
And let's see what you're not
And whatever else you pretend
You've defended my intentions
Long enough

[Chorus]

So here I am again
In the middle of the end
And the choice I wish I'd made
I always make too late

So.. had this moment of clarity this morning .. especially after receiving a ton of emails ..
My funniest one came from a reader who said ...
"Repeat after me ... I DATE THE WRONG GUYS ... I DATE THE WRONG GUYS"

omgosh I think i still have a tear in my eye over that, and my ribs are hurting..

so yeah here is where the moment of clarity stepped in ...

I have dated the wrong guys ..

It seems like everyone that I have uttered the words "I love you" to, always ends up fucking me over. Which is all well and good.. I guess. But it leaves me .. fucked over.. and not in the good way. Ugh!!! I hate not in the good way!

The thing is why do they wait until those famous words are uttered. A day earlier.. words that can't be taken back haven't been said .. and then ME the dumbass.. wouldn't look like so stupid. I am starting to wonder if like the color blue , dumbass is a look that suits me.

So ... I am going to stick to the basics.. food...water .. shelter.

My best friend Justin ... has a philosophy... " No plants.. No Pets .. No Permanent People" He is forty years old and never married.. no kids.. and yes he has not plants either. He seems happy. He has money goes where he wants .. spends time with who he wants.. life is good in Justin-world. He is a firm believer that SEX is not a romantic thing but a basic human function.. like eating chocolate. Ok.. so maybe food not chocolate. He can fuck whoever and not get attached. Good FOR him.

Good for those of you who can. I am not sure I can bump uglies with just random people. I like having that connection. Where someone looks you in the eyes, and not only holds your body but your heart.

But I am seeing that : Relationships complicate EVERYTHING.

I am a freaking serial monogamist who dates people who are serial commitment-phobes. That or they are just assholes. I mean DickDick men.

The thing that REALLY pisses me off about it is no matter what is going on .. my mom takes the side of the other person. *rolls eyes*

I was laughing as I was tweeting on twitter, especially after posting my dickdick and mangina man post... One of my tweeps was saying her husband was neither a dickdick or a manginaman .. he was awesome .. So.. leaves me to wonder .. is there another category. Perhaps just a has penis will travel category? I am not saying this blows my theory out of the water.. I am just saying maybe there is another cateogory.

Me and my girls can lament our incessant need to run headfirst into DickDick territory. But is there an underlying reason why? One of my friends DD says that people are either submissive or Dominant . Which means that submissives are craving that Dominant side. But can't a true Dom or Domme be dominate without being an ass? I mean is it possible. I think it can be. Just because a girl likes to be tied up and spanked , doesn't mean she likes her heart tortured by emotional terrorism.

So where do we draw the line? Where do I draw the line?

I am thirtyten years old and I have LESS of a clue as to what makes a good relationship and even less of how to find one.

I can be loving .. and giving .. and kind... and all it does is leave ME screwed over. So what is a girl to do?

Well, this girl made plans a few weeks ago to join her co workers (eeps) in Primm for a freecation. lol

Primm (at stateline of Nevada and California) is throwing a promotion for Nevada residents for a free nights hotel room stay. I set up my room and will be at Buffalo Bills tonite .. woot ! Even tho all my co workers are at Primm Valley .. oh well.. hehe I wonder how that happened? So I am going to pack my shit.. head out there, Do some window shopping .. cuz you KNOW I am broke as hell til friday. Then I am going to do a little drinking .. and go to bed. Sleep on it.

It will be nice to get away .

Now if i could only get a vacation from thinking too much *giggle*

The tale of the DICK DICK And MANGINA MAN

2008-12-26T18:55:00.000-08:00

It is funny that people think you can't see them for who they really are.

And when you do .. sometimes it is hard to not just see that aspect of them.

I think it all boils down to I am tired of finding people who hurt me.

And not just hurt me but do it purposefully, and act like I should be ok with it ..

I am not.

not ok with it at all.

hold on because i do have a healthy enough rage going on inside of me that I am actually crying... One of the bonuses of being a girl..

You see We cry when we are happy ....

and sad...

and fucking furious...

and that is where I am .. furious.

See men do this little thing (sorry to lump you all together but it is true.) That when they are done.. truly done.. they are sometimes too chicken shit to just say Done! So they are passive agressive... Let's examine some of this behavior...

a. they don't call or text you...

(and then they act like it is you.. headfuckinggames ) (that or to make you feel like you are out of your mind ... yeah right !)

b. they allow you to go through painful experiences practically alone, and tell you Well... I think we want two different things.

c. they tell you you don't listen..

(when you were sitting there right in the middle of the fucking conversation with them and YOU KNOW exactly what was said.. and what they are pushing to get you to believe is NOT what was said )

I am just sooo over done with all of it ..

I have listened to my friends bemoan their relationships for the last three weeks ... and these above complaints are just the top of the list...

Today I had a conversation with my friend BBG. I told her I have a theory on relationships...

here it is .. just bear with me cuz.. well I am writing and if you are reading your kinda stuck unless you click the X.

We as women are attracted to DICKS .. yeah ok I know but humor me... there are two kind of dicks.. there are dick-dicks .. and dicks who have mangina.

For some reason.. we women will meet a nice guy ... please step forward Mr.Dickwithmangina...

Sweet ... polite.. parents love him. He opens car doors... he dotes on you. Calls you non stop ... leaves 47 messages an hour.. texts you to tell you, that you are beautiful and he can't live without you...

and what happens ... RED FLAG ... the buzzer in our head starts screaming MANGINA MANGINNNNNNAAAAA MANGIIIIIIIIIIINA

and we instantly feel our cookie store close.

We break it off and we have no bad feelings because Mr. NiceGuy ... has mangina and well we already have a gina attached to us.. we need only one...

Mr. DickDick will now step forward.. You can tell him by his smug arrogance.. and "I was created to fuck everyone over " attitude.

(thank you for joining us Dick)

Watch as he throws his penis over his shoulder.. he is quite the catch ... and you know all females "ginas" are salivating at the chance to just be with Mr.DickDick. So because this man is a penis who is a Dick .. yeah ... they jump at the chance to be berated.. ignored and ... classically put on hold while Mr. DickDick does what he wants. Fucks who he wants.. and generally ... carries on as per normal. Meanwhile making our fair Gina friend feel like she is the cause of all relationship grief.

I was married to a DickDick .. and have dated DickDicks.. I watch as my beautiful successful friends do the same.. so aDICKted to the dickdick that they forget that they themselves have a brain and are awesome and they can indeed buy their own dick with no personality issues at one of the clickable links on the side of my blog. (just click it girls it will save you thousands in therapy bills)

Don't get me wrong ... I fall into the cateogory of poorly chosen ... unwisely picked... and eager to be shit on relationships.

It isn't that DickDicks fuck better (well they do have that whole aggressive and just take it aspect) Because I am sure Dickmanginas fuck just as great.

And i am not just saying this talking about men.. I know there are some dickdick women out there too. AND YOUUUUU know who you are ladies.. (i am so jealous I can't be more of a dickdick than a gina)

I know you are reading this going WHAT THE FUCK IS SHIBARI talking about..
But truly ... what say you on this subject?

Waiting

2008-12-26T16:55:00.000-08:00

It is late, and I am wanting
… more so needing ,
craving your hand.
Let your fingers

curl and tangle in my hair
Pull me in front of you
I know

YOU
Have the control
Watch my tongue
Slide over my lips In anticipation..

My eyes

widen with knowing
The seduction

of your power
Guide me
Own my breath
Every sound that escapes
Let it belong to you also
Bind my wrists
Bind my ankles
Bend me to your will
Awaiting

your voice so dangerous and loving
As you whisper in my ear
Who I am
What your plan is for me..
And I shiver

as I await your hand…
My pain and pleasure yield to you
And my fantasy is fulfilled in belonging…
To you … wholly…

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas...

2008-12-25T16:57:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas...
Thank you to all my close friends for their texts.. words of encouragement ... kisses ... hugss... and so many other things.

Thank you Thank you to BBG for her Xmas wish for me... that was truly special.. you know i love you loads...

Let's see what Santa brought...
a booklight
and rechargeable batteries for my camera.
and always an orange and an apple.

My sister gave me...
some make up.. and some things for my purse. (to keep it off the floor .. and a key holder so i can find my keys easily.)

I gave her --
The movie : The Cutting Edge (toooeeeeee pick)
gourmet popcorn and caramel and kettle corn stuff for it
and a childrens book "Sisters"

for my bro in law .. i gave him Monty Pythons Meaning of life...

the nephews I gave $25 i tune cards

My Grandad got me a Visa Gift Card.

I gave him a beautiful striped dress shirt and a sweater to go over it.

My parents got me :
2 pair of pants.. a shirt and a gift card.
monkey bisquits for molasses my turtle
and a nail clipper for my dogs

I gave them:
Dad-- Dewalt saw blades
a freaking huge dewalt tool kit

Mom : Estee Lauder Intuition
jammies

Bama -- gave me Ralph Lauren Notorious (good gift bama it was on my fantasy xmas list.. did you read that?)

I gave him a laptop bag for his new job

I am a little tired right now . Would love to be snuggled and cozied up by a fire. Kissing and cuddling. Maybe drinking some hot cocoa... with some butterscotch schnapps...

sounds divine...

Christmas Eve Gift

2008-12-24T16:15:00.001-08:00

I am sitting here listening to my Christmas playlist.
I have to confess that I LOVE Christmas...

With that being said it is Fantasy HNT gift giving :))
Yay!

Here are the bloggers I am choosing to bestow fantasy christmas gifts on...
I hope that you will enjoy :)

42

You are one of my best friends.. like a brother to me. How ironic we were both blogging and didn't know it when we first met. Sounds like a lot of our friendship.. That and some of the really weird .. parts of it.
So here is my fantasy Christmas gift for you ... But see it is one that is a forever gift too... :)

It starts with a plane ticket to Las Vegas for Christmas. This is a one way ticket so you would have to pack your shit and get here. lol I would even pick you up at the airport.. and we both know how special that is ... hehe

When you got here you could stay with me here... I promise not to scare you awake again:) But I can't guarantee Santa won't... and good thing J won't be with you this time. HA

Now for Christmas morning ...
A matching set one for you one for me

I always wanted a puppy who jumps out of a box on Christmas morning :)
oh wait this was a gift for you... hehe
ok ok .. so what my fantasy gift would be...

Thats right stud.. the Charger Cheerleaders :)

BBG

It would be to give you a box full of kisses, that never ended. That you could pull one out when you needed one. For that faith that is lacking .. to be increased. For an all expense paid trip to anywhere but here .. me .. you... drinks.. men... I was going to say somewhere tropical.. But I think someplace cold with lots of snow.. and lots of cuddles..
But mainly .. I want for you to be happy. That joy and love and peace would all be yours...

oh and i think for a change.. I could be one to give YOUR hair a pull...

Kid fury...
For an everyday visit from the sexfairy. For people other than me to see you as the knight you are. To visit me your goodest buddy in Vegas so we can have super huge green drinks.. laugh and be nerds together..
oh yes...and for us to not be thirty ten.. but 19... we could do it all over couldn't we?

Better Watch out .. Better not cry Better not Pout Im tellin ya why...

2008-12-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

Santa Claus is coming to town...

pause music player at bottom of screen to play

Kind of a funky day heading into Christmas Eve. Very emotional really.

Watched the Polar Express last nite.. cried.

Watched White Christmas tonite and .. cried.

I was doing really well. But I am missing my former step children and my heart aches a little. It mourns losses that are still fresh and painful to think about. And it is painful.

Got a present from a coworker.. she is so sweet. She made me a scarf. But the card was what was so sweet. She wrote that " I wanted you to know that you are cared for. You make a difference to people.. and you are loved.. just thought you should know"

I... don't know that I make a difference.. I want to. But I am feeling kind of empty and depleted right now. I think this stinking cold has me spent.

Plus i have an excess of sexual energy ... that just won't be quelled...

great huh?

I don't want it to seem like i am always down.. I am not..

I just have ups and downs.. today is a down. I think I got to thinking of how life could have been. Now i am here at what it really is. So I am a little sad. Nothing to bad or overwhelming.

Tho I did have desire to cut.

Imma have to find a Dom to spank me when I get those urges so I can knock that out of my system.

I haven't done much since being sick.. mostly just resting ..

That and being a friend to those .. who need one.

even if i am a broken one...

other than that ...

I have been contemplating ... that since tomorrow is Christmas Eve...

and Santa is coming to town..

What list am I on?

Bells will be ringing....

2008-12-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

Been busy ... Christmas .. has gotten here so quickly!
I only have one or two more gifts to do.
I am crocheting a blanket and I so need to move my ass on that. I think I bit off a little more than i can chew doing it. I soooo need to work on my focus! And my fingers need to move faster!!!!

I have been a little blue... hard to explain.. I think that the miscarriage has me funky.

It makes me think of things that are better left buried.

I am beginning to wonder if my heart is calloused .. or if it is still one that is soft and fragile like flesh.

I am thinking it is not as calloused as I would like it to be.

*sigh*

OK... so here is a memory from Christmas past...

Way back in the 1900's .. when i was still married... hehe
There was a couple at our church who had both lost their jobs. Their son was in our youth group. I felt terrible that this family would have nothing for Christmas. There would not be a gift, no Christmas dinner... nothing.
I rallied people from church together.. Explained the plight... Asked for gifts.. money or food donations...
I wanted so much for their Christmas to be one of miracles.
I bought some gifts.. Even my youngest Moose as i call her here was excited to be a part of it, she made gifts... very sweet.
I did our purchases... and waited at the church for people to bring their gifts. It was last minute.. and I worried that not alot of people would do what they had offered.
But the first miracle began when people poured in to bring gifts.. money .. food .. All of them signed from Mom or Dad.. or from the child.

We got a bunch of the youth together ... and loaded up our vehicles.. Grabbed a Christmas tree from the church... and set out at midnite to go to their house on Christmas Eve. We snuck out and put the tree up in the yard... put the presents around the tree... Stuck the money in envelope.. and put it in the boxes with the food.

We collected over a months worth of groceries.. $500 for bills.. and more than thirty gifts were under the tree.

We plugged the tree in .. lit and decorated
and ran to our cars.
Once inside i made a call to the family and said i saw something strange outside their house.
They came running out .. and it was.. AMAZING.
the mom fell on her knees crying.. and they never even saw us there.
I was ninja stealth...
and it was the best christmas i have ever had.
it makes me cry even today.. with tears of thankfulness that I was able to touch someone.. and they didn't even have to know it was me.

And although yes .. it was special to them.. The real miracle was what happened in my heart.

My nephew T-Rex this Christmas picked up an angel on the angel tree at church. Angel tree is a part of prison ministries. Where the childs parent is in prison. He picked a child out that wanted a bike. His heart was so opened and burdened to get this bike. My bro in law kept telling him NO. So T rex took his bday money he was saving for scuba lessons .. and bought that bike. no help from his parents. My precious nephew is 11 years old...

He makes me so proud. I don't find it just a gift for the child getting the bike... but a gift for my nephew.. Something he can always keep just for himself. That feeling of ... I made a difference. It doesn't matter that this person will never know it was me.. or that i never receive a thank you.. The joy is in the giving.

I was thinking .. of some of my favorite things at Christmastime..
like .. classic christmas carols
classic chrismas claymation
snow and heat miser
santa .. .reindeer and elves
a baby in a manger...
or ... hayrides.. and caroling
of feeling that joy .. when you wish someone a Happy Holiday...
Or you do something nice for someone .. just because.. it is random and nice, and it might make someones day just to receive kindness from someone .. anyone.

Let there be peace on Earth... and let it begin with me...
that is my thought.

smooches and squeezes my lovlies...
xoxoxo

Yes, Shibari... there is a Santa Claus

2008-12-19T08:17:00.001-08:00

Last week, I was thinking to myself how UNLIKE Christmas it felt. You have to understand that I LOVE CHRISTMAS! It is my favorite time of year. I like how the air smells . How the weather feels . Granted, in Las Vegas we get a LOT milder weather than other places. Things have been alot different this year.. with the new living situation and all.

I haven't been able to decorate my home. I used to go ALL out. I decorated every room in my house. I would start baking about this time. Baking homemade sugar cookies, pumpkin bread , candies. Then on Christmas Eve I would deliver homemade goodies to my neighbors. More than one UPS man and my mailman got homemade pumpkin bread for coming to the door.

But this year.. has been so off for me. The weather was unusually warm .. we were in the 70s last week. and .. well the Christmas spirit really hadn't taken over me. I thought that I would jump start this feeling with my make a difference Monday. I have to tell you it really helped. I really really love giving to people. Random acts of kindess go a long way for a person. But I still felt blah. Haven't done much Xmas shopping. Being responsible for an Ex's bills are taking its toll on my wallet. ugh!

We all know, from my previous posts, that I have had a somewhat difficult time. But it is getting better and better, and I am getting better and better.

I have been watching all the Christmas shows i can get in.

My top faves...

1. Year without a Santa Claus .. because the snow meiser rocks

2. Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer

3. The Santa Claus

4. Miracle on 34th Street

5. It's a Wonderful life .. (because it is)

6. White Christmas

Fave Christmas songs

1. I'll be home for Christmas

2. Welcome to our World

3. O' Holy Night

4. White Christmas

I have a lot of fond childhood memories of Christmas. Including the one where i found out that Santa was just a good dream.

I used to tell my step kids when they asked " You know .. if you don't believe in Santa .. he doesn't come anymore"

So I will still believe.

It felt a little easier to believe when Monday brought us some slushy snow that didnt' stick, I mean at least the weather was matching the season. But then on Wednesday it started snowing around 10 am and didn't quit til midnite. It was beautiful and frightening. Driving home I could not even see two feet in front of me. May I say that in Nevada NO ONE knows how to drive in snow...

But i enjoyed playing with my dogs in the snow.. I swear i will post the videos once i figure out how to get them from my phone to the blog.

This season is the best...

Yes it is great to sip hot cocoa.. and snuggle by the fire..

or have intimate moments under the christmas tree. (oops slipped a fantasy in there)

wouldn't the latter be a great reality?

But really, I believe that this is a season of love. It is why we express it with gift giving.

My faith tells me that the greatest gift was given on Christmas... Love came down at Christmas time.

and Santa if your listening.. I am still not giving up on that whole world peace thing--
or that maybe just maybe .. my celebricrush will be under my tree christmas morning..
Candy Cane in hand.

smooches and squeezes ,
Shi

HHNT

2008-12-18T18:29:00.001-08:00

ugh i tried to big em...

this is the snow outside of work if i big the cell phone pic... it gets distorted so .. sorry.

got some video for the blog too i don't know how to get it from the phone to the blog so if someone has an idea... lemme know

snow on my bootiful focus...

snow front yard

ok i know snow is not that big of a deal to the rest of you.. but i live in LAS VEGAS hello.

We got 8 inches of snow here 8. o.O

that sounds nawty

I love winter... I will post more later... xoxo Shi

Wednesday Weirdness

2008-12-17T05:27:00.000-08:00

1. What is the one sexual act you would never do?

anything to do with poop .. or puke .. cuz ewfuckingewwwwwwwww
that whole two girls one cup thing.. NOT FOR ME

2. Is there anyone you know, that if they turned out to be a serial killer you would not be surprised?

yeah actually isn't that a scary thought ... lol
they were always so nice and quiet ....

3. What is the most annoying thing about the holiday season for you?
the way people are with each other... I would love to see more people be kind and gentle with one another

4. If you saw a video of your celebrity crush picking their nose, would that change your opinion of their hotness?
everyone ... EVERYONE picks their nose... but yah i so don't wanna see it

5. What is the one non-sexual thing you would be embarrassed to be caught doing?
ummm prolly question 4... that or picking my ass .. hehe actually it is when i do something completely stoopid... like i dunno falling.. it happens alot

6. A favorite blogger friend wrote a column about the one word that really turns her on. Do you have a word or phrase that does the same for you? What is it?
mmm rain
snow..
cuddling
someone saying I am pretty
lots of things

7. As someone who ran a virtual cookie exchange, I have to ask what your favorite cookie is?
chocolate chip cookies... yummmmmmmmmmm fresh from the oven

tmi tuesday

2008-12-16T13:04:00.001-08:00

1. What is the greatest age difference between between and a SO?

My Ex Husband was 6 years older...

Older or younger?

lately most of the guys vying for my attention are between 3-10 years YOUNGER wooot

2. What is the greatest age difference between between and any sexual partner?

oh I dunno are we counting Demi and Ashton...

I don't think it matters if you are happy and there is viagra

Older or younger?

again NO matter ... just do it :D just dooooooo eeeeet

3. Have you started your holiday shopping?

started yes... i am a procrastinator and well I am broke!

Is it done?

nope not by a long shot

4. What are the chances there will be a "naughty" present under the tree this year (either from you or for you)?

slim to none... unless i wrap myself up and plop myself somewhere ;)

5. What is your favorite holiday song?

ugh i like most of them top three are....

1. O holy nite

2. What Child is this

3. Blue Christmas-- have to have elvis...

ok i know I said three but that whole

Bells will be ringing song is awesome .. so see I can't choose.. EVER hehe

Survey from Rocker ..

2008-12-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

It is snowing in vegas.. and i am so excited...
give me a nice toasty fire... a blanket .. snuggles ... hot cocoa.. kisses... and ... yeah...
What an awesome day!

Make a difference Monday

2008-12-15T05:17:00.000-08:00

That is right folks .. Make a difference Monday is here.
Today the person behind me in line at starbucks will have their coffee paid for.
last week I did the same... The person it made a difference for? The girl at the register. She was totally floored, and asked me all kinds of questions about it.
I hope she passed it on.
are any of you doing random acts of kindness you are passing along..
let me know .. :)

Spoiled!

2008-12-14T19:54:00.000-08:00

Sunday ...
So my Grandad drove in from Portales, New Mexico last nite. I am so excited to see him.. I have always had to work for attention in my family with my sister being talented and beautiful. But, I have always been Grandads fave.
He used to take me with him out on the ranch to help with the cows. I was an expert at catching calves when I was 4. He taught me how to saddle, bridle and ride a horse.

Did you all know I was a country girl?

Yep.. true story.

and my heart is still there. Honestly I can not think of anything better than being surrounded by lots of land , and a herd of sheep or cows .. or horses.
I could live in a trailer and be totally happy.. as long as the other was involved.

So today we went Christmas shopping, I picked up a few things . We went to Target.
So can I ask a question.. Do they HAVE to have all the freaking baby items out in the middle of the aisle? Really? It didn't bother me at first til I looked at these little booties and they had little lion heads on them .
I tell my mom " These are adorable"
She said "yeah those are really cute"
and then it happened.
tears and I couldn't stop them. WTF .. do the hormones go away anytime soon?
Crying in target .. how ridiculous is that.
Afterwards we went to look at mattresses.. Grandad needed a new one. So Grandad bought a bed from Bama and got an awesome deal... Where my mom promptly and unabashadly says that I am spoiled.
WHAT?
me? Spoiled .. seriously?
I am truly not. She tried to tell me that because king dickhead the ex husband bought a good mattress or that because I at one time or another got new furniture in ten years .. that I was spoiled.
umm ok!
I am not sure which marriage or which daughter she is thinking she is talking about. I am probably .. the least spoiled person I know. I feel bad if someone buys me a gift out of the blue, because I didn't do anything to deserve it. I put myself through 2 1/2 years of college .. me !!! i paid for it, I had to quit because i couldn't afford to do it any longer. I never asked for music lessons.. never joined cheerleading .. never did anything extra that would have cost my parents anything. I was in drama and business classes. I was a cheerleader for the wrestling team so all i had to buy .. was a sweatshirt.
i am not saying my parents didn't buy me anything. THEY DID. lots of nice things. They paid for my first concert ticket... my clothes things I liked. sure. But I never once thought that i should have them just because.
I didn't have to do a bunch of things. Give me a dog (not even pure bred and a book, stick me in the corner --happy!)
It was hurtful.
I looked at bama and said " i can't believe she said i was spoiled."
he looked at my mom and said " you really hurt your girls feelins callin her spoiled" then he smiled bigger and said " you know what that means Shi? That means we just gotta do things for ya til you are spoiled"
He is rotten, and he doesn't like it when my feelings are hurt.
But even after we left she continued on with it. Talking of all the "things" i had when I was married.
and I said " you know.. I look at it as compensation for time served . Because with all the THINGS i did have.. I didn't have love .. respect.. compassion.. passion.. sex.. intimacy... .. any of it. ON TOP OF THAT.. I was left and he took 3/4 of the things I am supposedly spoiled with. He foreclosed on my house. Let me pay his car payment.. and oh yeah... all of his credit card debt that I am paying off"

So yeah I am spoiled.

Spoiled Rotten...

Saturday Survey ala Amorous Rocker thank you girl!

2008-12-13T16:44:00.000-08:00

Are you an illegal immigrant?
Not today .. but if i am in hungary tomorrow.. yes.

If you could change your birth month and day but not the year, what would you change it to?
oh I wouldn't I totally love my birthday .. and you have six months to shop beyotchs june 20th is around the corner :D

Favorite cotton candy flavor?
um any flavor... nothing like spun sugar to get the juices goin!

Dumb things you like to do?
skip rocks
kiss boys
eat salad
snow mobile
jet ski
you know the normal stuff

Are you a nerd?
hell yeah.. all the time.

Favorite human trick?
o.O but I am so good at so many...
I have to pick JUST ONE?
i say snoring

Light or dark?
DARK CHOCOLATE
Miller LIGHT
DARK clothes
LIGHT whipped cream.. hehe

Do you think it's possible to drown a rubber duck?
why when they are so adorable?!
"Rubber duckie.. you're the one..." gotta love sesame street

If you had a set of golf clubs, what color would the handles be?
um why would i want golf clubs *choke*

While playing in the sprinklers, have you ever tripped over it?
yes I have the scar to prove it

Have you ever blown your nose so hard the kleenex broke?
LOL .. that is why I use TWO KLEENEXs .. I mean puffs plus with vicks

Sticky tack or tape?
duct tape... no question

Which is better the mall or the mall parking lot?
NO MALL Gimme walmart!.

When your gum falls on the floor, do you pick it up and put it back in your mouth or do you leave it there?
Leave it there ffs.. GROSS

If you were to be killed by a fictional serial killer who would it be?
Vampire Bill.

if you could have tea with a famous person, who would it be?
oh come on have i not written enough about him on this blog?
Donal Logue
and it would be to drink tea out of his belly button

Would you invite me?
umm nope
cuz it would be me and Donal's private time

How often do you wear clothes?
only when mandatory...

How about while you are sleeping?
depends... what is happening besides snoring?

Speaking of sleeping, what's your favorite kind of soda?
DR PEPPER

Tall t shirts or tight t shirts?
depends... hehe

Would you rather wear an Eskimo coat or an Eskimo?
i don't know any eskimos.. can i just eat a eskimo pie?
that sounds dirty

Do you think toothpicks are a nice fashion accessory?
no I think they look eww.

Are you virgin?
not today

Have you ever made a "video"?
nope someone will always find out

Was Paris Hilton in it?
nope who wants that skinny bitch? GROSS... if I was gonna do the girl /girl thing.. you know it would be rocker or BBG

Have you ever slept with someone then found out you were related?
oh fuck nO

Hand job?
give em ? yep

Toys?
hehe LELO Iris ... have you not read the reviews

Favorite wild land animal?
zebra

Favorite water animal?
Dolphin.

Favorite vegetable grown on a plant?
squash

Favorite fictional animal from a book?
My names copper Imma hound dog .. arrrrooooo roooo roooo rooo roo

Do you discriminate against flowers by their color?
i love flowers

If you had to train a plant to do anything, what would you train it to do?
umm wtf?

Would you rather have a ferret or a squirrel?
Squirrel.

Did you know that some people eat animals?
mmmm meat

Would you rather stare at a plant or eat it?
um depends on the plant

Have you ever eaten caviar?
gross NO and don't ask me to i will hurl

Have you ever punched a rhino? If so, did it hurt?
ummm no .. but now i want to... but will you stand in front of it while i do?

Have you ever snorted kool-aid? If so, what flavor?
never snorted it.. unless you count the fumes that happen when you pour the package out

Have you ever caught your hand on fire?
i wouldn't say... fire....

Have you ever put your head through a wall?
no that whole force and matter thing doesn't appeal to me

Have you ever had a famous person use your bathroom?
fonzie

Have you ever tipped over in a canoe?
no but it sounds... cold

Have you ever seen your uncle at the mall?
Never.

Have you ever lied about it?
Why would I?

Have you ever eaten something edible?
i try to go for the un-edible stuff.. it is so much more fun digesting

red corsety hnt ... red is christmasey right?

2008-12-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting at my desk today and I looked down and realized...
well more like .. this is what i saw..
So i am wondering how many others "saw" too...
sheesh
i need to dress with the lights on...

empty

2008-12-09T14:34:00.000-08:00

I feel emtpy...
I am liking the pain pills they seem to take the edge off of the pain.. and I am sleeping through alot of the emotional stuff.
But I am feeling so alone.
I think my friends are afraid to call or write me for fear I will be crying. At the moment I am just.. numb.
It is hard to explain how I am feeling .. when I am not even sure myself. The baby's daddy came over last nite to sit with me, and talk with me. That was nice. He was saying silly things to keep my humor up. Then he played with molasses my turtle. Changing his terrarium and all around to see if he could confuse my tortoise. I laughed because he kept thinking Molasses would bite him. But, was amazingly surprised that my little tortuga responds to voice and is very smart and even has a personality.
He has work out of town this week and he apologized he wouldn't be able to check on me til Saturday...
it is ok.. More or less I am going back to work tomorrow.
Distractions are good.
I was thinking about the aspect
of ten little toes
and ten little fingers.
two little hands..
two little feet
everything small and sweet and good.
of tiny smiles and little giggles
of small tears
and big hugs
of having the kisses that magically make hurts disappear
or that smell that only babies have.
those things are all so foreign to me.
I was wondering what I could possibly offer a child .. when I really don't have anything.
Or what kind of mother I would be.
what kind of gifts and wisdom could I bestow on a child.
or what kind of father would Bama have made. ( he would have been awesome)
I worried about what not to do. I live in fear of scarring someone .. scarring not scaring.
oh now I would worry about scaring too.
But here is what I think ..
If this child would have been born. It would have known love.
tremendous love.
He or she would have been taught to love and respect all people from all walks of life.
To never disrespect anyone with piety or judgement.
To give fully from the heart.. and never hold back.
I would have taught this child about my Nana .. and shown them the gift of the golden rule.
Treating others the way you want to be treated.
I would have taught them to never EVER let anyone tell them who they are .. or what they would be.
independance .. free from abuse .
That they could do anything.. or be anything ...
ballerina.. rodeo star. .. actor... mom/dad... ceo...
it wouldn't matter.
That their dreams are attainable
That yes in life there are bumps in the road. That certain things bring pain
or strife.
That we all make decisions .. good ones or bad ones.
and no matter what decisions they make .. they are unconditionally loved forever.
That there is a God .. and He thinks that they are valuable.
A gem priceless in comparison of pearls and rubies and diamonds.
They would know that the well of kisses and hugs never runs dry.
and that .. morning ... noon or night.. no matter the time I would be there.
to love them.. kiss their hurts... scare the bad dreams away... and hold them.
even when the nightmares of this life are real.
That home is family.. and family is home.
I would share my deep love of animals .. old muscle cars.. and the beatles.
I would teach them that there is nothing more valuable than a gift made from their own little hands.
and that they should value work .
I am sure this seems like a silly list.. I am always making lists.. always writing things down so I don't forget.. Or that I can remember how I felt about something.. and to see how I have either changed or grown from when I wrote it.
There are hundreds of things I can't even think to write down on this list.
and here I am weeping again.
it comes and goes like waves that just wash over you when the tide rolls in.
So I will probably immerse myself in writing here or in my journal forthe next few days.. weeks or however long it takes..
Do you ever heal from small heartbreaks?
someone wrote me and said that my "little angel" was too perfect and God needed them back.
And I am ok with that prospect.
I know without a doubt I will see this child one day.
and I am ok with that too.
But, today I feel empty.

Dear Santa...

2008-12-05T17:02:00.000-08:00

Santa Darlin,

Christmas is coming and I have been doing alot of thinking about .. just what I would like... We both know that .. I have been an awful-ly good *cough* girl this year.

So I have put together a little (hehe) list of all my fantasy items I would like to have. Santa you remember me right? I had the longest list as a kid of all the dolls and barbie accessories.. and yes probably the only girl to desire a stretch armstrong but, it was only because I wanted to see what was inside.

So yes my Fantasy list is here ... but then I will tell you what I really want.. I hope that you don't mind too terribly much me entertaining you with ... all this list.. (OH and I have included pictures... yummm)

So here is the list Santa Baby...

I would really like a new lap top, I plan on starting school again and it would be helpful. Plus I am starting to take my writing more seriously and am thinking about doing that book that so many people have asked me to do.

I would also like a digital camera. I know I asked last year but a girl can keep hoping right ?

I was thinking that I want a

canon rebel or a nikon

I can see myself taking pictures already hnt hnt i mean hint hint

ok Ralph Lauren speaks to me Santa.. and this scent is soooo yummy I am sure that.. umm everyone will be gifted if you give me this ... hehe

A new tv would be nice .. since I lost mine in the divorce... and well.. you know the tv is going all digital this next year..

I can't watch True Blood or .. Lost... without it...

ok.. so I know i have the focus .. but this is a fantasy right? This right here .. behind a 1964 Ford Mustang.. is my DREAM CAR! That is right Santa.. Can't you see me with the top down.. cruisin to San Diego...

Speaking of Mustangs.. I would need to share it with Tug.. who is also on my wish list this year.. Just wrap a nice red bow around this and stick him right under my tree...

yummm

and if Tug is there then include my sugar BBG too .. cuz I EFFING LOVE HER ... She is my <3>

Ok Santa you KNEW this would be on my list.. my fave celebrihotti bo botti .. Donal Logue..
Yep you can skip that under the tree thing and just tie him to the head board.. I will deal with the gift giving later ;)

Still not giving up on a trip to Fiji Santa.. those huts on the water .. well they seem a little divine

And I would really kill for the Cowboys to win the Superbowl.. (it is my fantasy list NO JEERS)

and maybe if I have been really good.. you could see in your heart to give me a house of my own... ( since... well.. you know..)

They are all good things.. extravagant things.. and well yes.. it would be nice to have them... And although there are things on my fantasy list that I truly want, and need .. There are simple things that I really want..

I would like a dragonfly pendant/necklace.. and look pink wings to match my tattoo... hehe

some floormats for my car ..

another turtle.. molasses needs a friend.. and I know Santa.. it is a desert tortoise not a turtle... but all the same.. it would rock to have a companion for my little friend. :)

and maybe this year one of these too...

*sigh*

I am sure there are lots of "things" that I could want or wish to have...

But what is true...

I want to see the world at peace. That war would never touch the people we love.

That .. people that are without jobs would be employed. Or people facing foreclosure.. would not lose their home. That people who are lonely this Christmas season would have someone reach out to them and show them they are cared for. That the homeless.. could find shelter.. and be warm.

That people who have little could experience much.

For those who have been mistreated , abused, or hurt by someone they love to find healing and peace in their hearts. Most of all that they would see that they are loved.

I do not have much.. it will be a struggle to buy for those I care for.. But I will give what I can. I am still going through with this Make a Difference Monday.. and I challenge the rest of you to do something on Mondays that would brighten someones day... or .. maybe even make a difference in their life. The holidays bring depression to alot of people. It is hard to be alone in a time that is supposed to be joyous.. and family oriented. (trust me I know). A little random act of kindness.. could make all the difference to someone who may have otherwise given up. I know one Monday a friend had practiced this.. ibuying lunch for a man eating alone. When he went to pay the waitress told him that she had picked up the tab .. He came to her table and told her that , that was his 23rd wedding anniversary, that his wife had passed away two weeks prior. That her gift.. was like receiving one from his wife..

That is making a difference.

Sure there are lots of things on my :"list" But truer than true... I would much rather have someone to hold my hand and love me for me. Not for what I can do for them..

I would treasure the gift of seeing my step kids ... or for a broken heart to be mended..

and some wishes.. are maybe gone forever, but they still burn bright in my heart.

I wish for my friends to all have love , joy and happiness. That we were all debt free. (God wouldn't THAT be awesome)

But most of all for peace... now that is truly a gift that could be regifted over and over and i don't think anyone would mind.

things...

2008-12-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday ... was hard.
But it is getting better.

I am going to post my christmas lists in a few days.. my fantasy list and my real list...
I hope you will drop your notes to Santa here ;)

I have decided I am going to make my Monday's a Make a difference Monday. I am hoping to get others involved. I figure it is the season of giving and all. But I think I am just going to carry it on.
So here is what I plan to do on Monday.

When I drive through the drive through at Starbucks I am going to buy my drink... and I am going to buy coffee for the guy behind me.

Or if I go to lunch instead of starbucks.. I will pick up the tab for the car behind me.

sounds silly but I would like to see people pay it forward.

I can't accomplish World Peace.. But I can make the difference for one person.. and if that person has something good.. they may want to pass it on.

If any of you do this ... get back with me .. let me know what kind of difference you made for someones life.
I will be sharing my stories. ..

the news...

2008-12-02T15:42:00.001-08:00

doctor called... news I was dreading...

it's over!

My very Bad day.. and other thoughts...

2008-12-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

ok... the plan.. was starbucks... yes STARBUCKS... it was a good plan.. a happy plan.
BUT
The Nevada highway patrol decided they had other plans for my otherwise awesome plan

ok .. let me pleased my case.

Driving to work at 0 dark thirty in the morning. Very crowded freeway. With a HUGE truck behind me. You know one of those raised4x4's .. Lights shining directly into my rearview mirror and blinding me... I tried raising the mirror... which he got even closer to my tail of my car. Now I am like freaking out that he is going to hit me so .. i moved forward to inch away from him. Which did put me too close to the car in front of me. I was just backing off when the truck whipped around me and sped on by .. apparently I was going too slow.

When I was trying to decrease my speed and ease off of the guy in front of me, Lights of the NHP turned on.

I have not been pulled over in over 15 years. I pull to the side... shaking like a leaf... and wait for him to come get me. YES I said come get me. not in the good way by the way .. but whatever.

He knocked on my passenger window causing me to jump out of my skin .. .cuz yes i frighten easy.
I had all my information ready. Well.. except for registration.. I only had the stinking receipt for the registration.. Who knows why that is . So.. he tells me I am following too close behind. and that he was giving me a ticket.
I just kept my mouth shut... didn't even argue and thanked him for correcting me.

UGH takes submission to a whole new level.

I think I will post my OTHER thoughts later... I had a moment and am well... now I am out of time.

Because.. as we know I always have lots of thoughts...

x's and o's
Shi

Good Morning?!

2008-12-01T05:14:00.000-08:00

Good Morning!?
ugh is that what 5:17 in the morning is? Because in truth it is my body still wanting to be asleep. I have just blow dried my hair .. and I am still feeling .. exhausted. Wanting to be snuggled up with mollie...

I swear I can only truly fall asleep once her little head lies on my foot , and her body falls against my leg. Funny things ... that are just home to me.

My nephew's birthday was Saturday.. well the party anyway.. J whom I call T-Rex. Turned 11 .. growing so fast. Unbelievable even. Was going to leave early.. but got rooked into being my older nephew B-Rad and his two buddies lead singer for their Rock Band game. Zimo (all nick names here) his friend was singing .. and B looks up and says "Aunt Darr can you sing? cuz .. you are way better"
I like being the cool aunt.. it was fun ... even when I was making up words to songs I didn't know.. and I got 97-99 percent. yay!

oh man.. 5:24 and i have to get rockin. I still have to let mollie out.. feed her and samson .. dress.. because you know it is all nekkid time until it is absolutley necessary to be not nekkid. and I am so stopping at starbucks this morning .. i have earned it.

Still looking for answers for the whole "Why men stay or why men stray" so leave your comments.. and be looking for that whole new series of writing coming soon.

smooches and squeezes..
make sure your Monday is awesome .. and always on purpose
Shi

a little late... but so worth it

2008-11-29T16:39:00.000-08:00

How about ... a little bsdm thanksgiving play?

Waiting .. and more waiting...

2008-11-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

Today I am still waiting for the inevitable .. you know the doctor said by Sunday..
It is like I am listening to a death march and just watching time.
So far I spotted a little.. not much and now nothing. Other than being crampy and all.
Now for weird...
My across the street neighbor came over... She is pregnant.. 9 weeks ... Her DOC --9-20 and mine is 9-21 so.. *insert twilight zone music*
was a little freaky... but better to talk to her cuz she understands what i am feeling...
when i know what i am feeling.

My hormones are all outta whack. I cry.. alot.. don't even know why. My feelings get hurt very easy ... especially by people who supposedly care about me.
My mom.. one minute says .. you need to be "gently walking" ... then the next moment.. I am doing too much and need to slow down..
Whatever it is i am doing it should be the opposite. FRUSTRATING
What i know i am good at... is NAPPING...

i am tired all of the time... my body just stops and won't go anymore. Or cramping .. neighbor says it is stretching.. but who knows ...

So again I am waiting.. pins and needles.. and I am still pregnant for now... I have to have more bloodwork today so we will see what happens.

But I am not sure if I can consider myself preggers .. or .. if I should consider myself NON ..

I don't know if I should be scared... sad... happy.. freaked out.
I don't know who I can trust.. who I can love.. who I can let love me.
or if I am even loved. Not sure I would deserve it if I were. I am in bad headspace..
one that deals with loss and unloss. grief and ungrief. I feel angry that people I want to count on I can't . I am angry at me because I am not myself. I feel like a stranger has moved into my body. I am unsure of everything, and the one person I thought would / could be steady and constant for me right now.. just isn't. But isn't that life?

My pregnancy or .. non.. has made me most irritable.. in the fact I don't want to put up with bullshit. I am tired of being a person who is fed platefuls of it... and sits with a smile on my face saying "more please"

Friend called me the other day .. she is beautiful (beyond beautiful) , intelligent (way above average) Funny, charming, successful. She wanted to know WHY ... her boyfriend would be a lying cheating bastard... and boy do I wish that I had the answer. I have NO clue when it comes to men. What makes them stay ... what makes them stray. Maybe I will write a series on it.
In the mean time men.. I would appreciate your answers... "What makes a man who seemingly has it all stray to other pastures?"

I have put more thought into going with my own url for this blog. I am not even really sure who reads this anymore.. other than the handfuls of commenters I get. (Thanks for those, it is always nice to see who's lurking even if it is a 'hello shi' )

Today I am stressed out
life is a little overwhelming right now..
and I need to find a good headspace to be in.

------------------------------------------------------------
Mindful of me..

somewhere beyond tears and laughter
joy and pain.
somewhere.. where .. good truly exists.
somewhere.. more than dreams
something normal .. and lovely and good.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for God's grace...
for the faith that I have that gets me through each storm in life.
For Friends and Family who love me so greatly .. even when it is undeserved.
For unconditional love... the kind that surpasses the human kind which is fleeting.
For the opportunity to feel
For gains and losses... however great or small
That I am employed when so many others aren't
For my puppies who keep me sane
For the ability to know and touch and see.. all the wonders that are around us.
For tears .. that mean I am still human
For hot showers
For nephews who pound their love on my arm.. cuz i am the cool aunt
For Bama and his unending kindness and help in getting through this all.
For notes of encouragement... love ... sympathy... and friendship.
I am thankful regardless of whatever comes my way ...
There is joy in this journey I am sure of it...
It is like the little girl who received a pile of shit for christmas ... She grabbed a shovel and smiled and said " wooo hoo there has got to be a pony under here somewhere."

Here is to finding the pony...

Found this song... This is how I am feeling ... regardless of my sadness thought I would share... It is a Casting Crowns song..
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again,
I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold out your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls I barely hear
You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

~NUMB~ sometimes overwhelming joy ... is momentary

2008-11-25T16:38:00.000-08:00

Ok.. so I know you can't really read it but it says PREGNANT!

much to my ... umm surprise... With my WTF moment for last friday.

I so wish that they had pregnancy tests that say "knocked up" or something sixties like "in the family way"

So yeah big time shocker for me.. Who then had to confess that I was pregnant to my mother who saw my "deer in the headlight" look.

She took it amazingly well.

Me... I was thinking .. " I am on the pill... how can I be pregnant?"

Well I guess add me to that .1 percent ... who took antibiotics in September. So I tell mom I am "in the family way" but "without the family to back it up" and she asks me

Well... do you know who's baby it is?

Pardon my stunned look here but YES I do know. Apparenlty my mom thinks that because I have men friends ... that they are all sampling the cookie... NOT TRUE!

So I tell her " yes it is Bama's "

she says "well are you sure it isn't 42's?"

WHAT?!

omg 42 is one of my best friends and close enough to be a brother.. NO it is not 42's

or anybodys but Bama.

So then I realize "Crap1 i have to tell bama"

But first I had to see a doctor. I called right away to get in. because a. i am thirty ten and no spring chicken (bok bok) and B. I have a history of miscarriage.

HIGH RISK!

So, the doctor makes me come in . I pick up blood work. Samples of prenatal pills . and a whole bunch of stuff. Verify that I am indeed preggers... (another thing that stinking pregnancy tests could say) and find out i have to do blood work every other day to monitor my hcg count and hormones levels.

*sigh*

Do my first blood work. Notice that my hormones are above average because everything makes me cry.

Fill the prescription for progesterone gel (to keep baby in tact)

and then drive to tell Bama that he not kid rock is going to be my baby daddy

Sorry Kid... but Bama had the super swimmers sheesh.

I was waiting for Bama to go completely freaked out... but he didn't he was pretty calm. Sweet even.

His freak out didn't come for a couple days later.

My freak out mode was on high .. oh wait still is.

I am not feeling myself. I am over tired. I have to eat every two hours... and I feel like i have an alien growing in my body that likes foods i hate...

Like EGGS... what the freaking fuck with the eggs? I have had them for almost every meal .. and Can't get enough...

ugh!

Well... The idea of being pregnant was starting to settle in... I was feeling comfortable with it.9 weeks is a long time to be pregnant. But I started spotting last nite. It concerned me because I have been waiting for the doctor to call with my levels

Which she did today. She says that they are lower than they should be. That I will most likely miscarry by Sunday. We can do a D&C or we can let things take the natural course... and my body will "naturally expel the articles of conception"

makes it so much more comfortable for my baby to be called " articles of conception"

I have cried and cried today.

I can't understand how you can miss someone you have never even met. How you can feel so much for something or someone that was there just 9 weeks. How I want to sit in the shower and cry where noone can see or hear me . Because maybe then it will be less real.

Or perhaps... maybe i can go back to numb and not feel anything.

i told bama and he keeps asking me questions i can't or don't know how to answer..

i don't know how i feel.. or how I should feel.

God gives... and He takes away...

Of this I am certain...

Today ... He took away!

Adjustments...

2008-11-24T21:05:00.000-08:00

I am feeling so very tired today. Even after a two hour nap.

*sigh*

I have had 10 phone calls and i never heard the phone ring.

Never heard my parents leave.

Never slept that hard before.

Thanksgiving is coming, and I have a lot to be thankful for. I blog everything ... it seems strange that i keep some things private... secure and safe in my world.

sometimes I need safe.

Feeling overly emotional right now. Not in a bad way ... just have alot of excess hormones right now. Which seems to bring out the weepy in me.

But i am also happy even if i cry.

Life is ... unexpected.. and awesome!

2008-11-21T18:05:00.000-08:00

Life changes on a dime.

Things you thought you knew.. or wanted .. or didn't want, suddenly take a backseat at the shift of fate.

Which is where I am finding myself today. I am at a crossroads that I thought could never ... or would never happened. I found that I stopped wishing for good things to come my way a LONG time ago.

But sometimes.. just as you give up... or feel like giving in .. There are unexpected bumps in the road of life that bring you the glimmer of something greater. Something beautiful. Something wonderful.

That is where I am today.

Somewhere on that road of .. unexpected... unexplained joy.

Life IS Good!

No doubt about it.

I am not in a place where I can expand on this. Nor should I right now. BUT... lets just say.. that Today is a very good day! A day that begins my future!!!

Also .. not too far off from that being said... I am going to see kids in the hall reunion tour tonite at the comedy festival. TOTALLY stoked on this. Bama heard me talking about the 'head crusher" and "chicken lady" and saw my posts... Well... he got me tickets... YAY!!!

Spent most of the day with my sister today. That was a good change. We hardly ever get to spend time together so .. it was nice to be with her. In spite of the fact that I was over emotional all day ... Seems like everything makes me cry.. happy things.. sad things.. songs on the radio... commercials... Thanksgiving.. The sound of horns honking... you name it.. it is bringin a tear.

Nephews are over for a bit so it is good to see them too. They are so silly. Today B had crazy hair day at school .. I swear he looks just like sonic the hedgehog... hehe

Josh .. well josh is my little companion .. Always chummin with me.
chaos but somehow there's peace

Tomorrow I am seeing Twilight with Annie Banannie... We are SOOOOO goin on a date hehe
well that is what we tell people. It is more her and I going to see twilight and eatin some popcorn.

I would love to have blueberry pancakes tomorrow... that and some pineapple juice..
Sounds delicious.

What else.. since I am sort of rambling...
ohhh yes
I was listening to this Sanctus Real song today... MAN it made me think ... well that and the aforementioned crying.

But I have been thinking lately what the Big Guy upstairs is thinking ... and here is the lyrics to that song...

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone Time to begin again

Reevaluate who I really am Am

I doing everything to follow Your will

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is You want from me

I give everything I surrender... To...

Time to face up Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

Trauma Will Robinson TRAUMA!!!!!

2008-11-17T16:15:00.000-08:00

My day started out ... well, GOOD. A very good day indeed!
Instead of being stuck doing phones all day, I was with the new hire class and walkin the floor .. (yay )
When I got home... another story all together...
When I got home I saw that the garage was open, I didn't think much of it. (As most of you know with my divorce came the humiliation of moving back in with my parents) Dad has been doing some construction work and working between garage and kitchen. I came in the house... and the first thing was the smell .. I looked at mom and asked :" Dudes are you high yet"
Dad had painted with KILZ ... omg pungent.
Anyway usually when I come home, I am met by my smallest furrie .. Mollie... who always wants hugs and kisses immediately when I walk in the door.
I didn't get my usual greeting and walked down the hall to see if she was in the back of the house..
NO MOLLIE
Walk outside am greeted by furrie number 2 Samson... monkey in mouth .. and
NO MOLLIE in the back yard.
Now I am feeling a twinge of panic.. fear gripping at my heart. I start calling around the house for mollie ... no sign of her
call out front... then again in the back yard... no greeting from the baby.
Full on panic has now set in and I am crying .. much to mom's chagrin
"what are you crying for .. she is just in the house"
which starts her and dad looking..
NO MOLLIE
Now I am walking down the street yelling .. sobbing ... looking for my dog..
We live two streets from the highway.. Boulder Highway to be exact. The dog pound is a little less than a mile. Not to mention all the crack houses and shitheads that live on our street. I am having mental images of my dog being dognapped... used for training pitbulls.. or some kid that wanted a puppy and mollie fits the bill or even worse... that she has been run over .
So I am looking in yards... looking under cars... looking and crying
My dad is further up the street .. when he finally saw her and she was headed back. I started running for her and scooped her in my arms and just sobbed.
In my heart i had already experienced her loss and it was devastating! Then for her to be ok.. God that sigh of relief... but then all of it crashed around me when I realized .. omgosh what if .. just what if I would have lost her.
I have done really well with cutting... i mean.. not doing it ... but it made me want to cut..
It took forever for the pain of what had taken place to subside. I cried for at least an hour . Which in the beginning pissed my mom off ...
She said :"waah she is back get over it" (she swears she didn't say wah I say she did)
Which pissed me off.
Just because Mollie has fur doesn't mean that she doesn't mean as much to me as any child. I don't have children . So my dogs... and turtle are my little ones.
I told my mom how hateful what she said was. That I understand she doesn't like animals but these are MY heart. For me to lose one would kill me. LITERALLY.
I can't take another loss... and I have come to that conclusion today .. with a big fat slap in the face of WHAT IF?
Noone could ever replace what my furries mean to me. I can't imagine what coming home would be like with no Mollie to be the first to greet me .. hugs and kisses.
Anyway it ended with me blowing UP and saying if they didn't want to watch the dogs.. fine .. put mollie in her kennel . I will take care of her when I get home. That is what happened when I lived by myself. Granted Mollie would be hurt because she likes spending time with her humans.
But at this point ... kenneling in my mind will keep her safe.
What I need to do now .. is do everything I can to pay off the debt that dickhead left me with and move to a place that is just ours.
I need to do that for me... and I need to do that for my parents.
Well for the sanity of all of us.
well... for those that are still sane...

pondering the big and the small questions...

2008-11-15T16:28:00.000-08:00

Ugh! it is a Saturday ... and I have had too much time to think today.

I hate thinking days ...

I talked to my friend Austin.. umm (the DaddyChef) from my other other other blog... hehe. Now the thing you need to know about Austin.. he knows me .. REALLY knows me. Two years knows me . That means he does not get me in parts he knows me 100 % . Out of the handful of people that know me.. He is the one who will tell you that I am complicated. That not very many people get me, and that THAT is the reason that I keep people at arms length.

He offered to have me come to see him. Which would be SO very nice to just get away for a weekend. That and I would be able to see him cook .. and maybe learn a thing or two about the kitchen... (like how a stove works...) KIDDING! i know how to cook, I just want to be able to cook good and have it look pretty. My cooking tastes all too good and is messy as a mudder fudder.

He made a joke or two about just chaining me to the couch so I couldn't leave.. and I told him. . " Ya know... I am like pennicillin .. I work well for what I do.. but you only need me once in awhile.. and I am good in small doses"
Then I talked about how I feel like i am a disappointment. To my family and to lots of people. I have not turned out the way my parents dreamed.
I am not the pretty daughter... my sister is.
I have a failed marriage... which let me start on the disappointment there.
I pick the most fucked up person to marry and then on top of that I can not produce grandchildren.
I am not the favored child. (which is fine... I like being the rebel)

It is hard to look at "this daughter" and find something truly redeemable... especially next to my sister.. the awesome one...

meh ... noone lives up to the standard do they? I mean really?

Jewel and I were talking about men... and we tend to find the same traits in people we date. Which is why we have a friendship. We understand each other. I am going to call what we have the "punishing male syndrome" .
We pick men who punish us.
For instance.. if we do something that is not to the expectation.. punishment ensues..
punishment could be a verbal lashing... OR it could be withholding time --attention and affection..

oh my gosh.. PMS ... who fucking knew?!

What else... hey if i am in bitch and moan mood .. you may as well get your money's worth.

ohhh yes ... let's talk about my job... hehe

I HATE people this week. Well stupid people anyway... well Stupid and RUDE...
The industry that i am in.. Well.. there are plenty. I think I work with 3-4 of the really stupid people... and it drives me insane.
I work in a service oriented business. Customer Service... is my expertise.
Can I just say.. that working the way I do... I don't care HOW poor the service I receive is... I will always be nice to the person giving said service.

Because A.. I know that someone else prolly just pissed in their wheaties and caused their day to go to shit.
B. They are probably being micromanged the crap out of and it is not only demeaning ... but frustrating to be treated like a kindergartner.

I hate people who call and think that the best way to get what they want is to yell at me. Because it isn't... It only brings out the passive-aggressive girl in me.. and I start to think of how I can punish them without them knowing. :D yeah I know... BAD but true.
I remember watching a show called "kids in the hall" and there was this guy who would sit on a bench and he would take his first finger and his thumb.. and squish them together oh hell lemme see if they have it on youtube...

and if that wasn't funny enough...

oh my hell what was i in a bad mood about in the first place???

HNT ---

2008-11-12T20:44:00.001-08:00

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday Lovies....

Tug asked me to post him here http://tackyunderwearguy.blogspot.com/ hehe

and I am posting me too I guess :)

a little cleavage here....

a little more here I am thinking what a difference a bra makes in the push up thing ... hehe

La Vida Loca

2008-11-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

I am feeling .. pink-ish today. Not sure why .. Pink just seems to fit.

I haven't been feeling well, asthma kicked in the other day .(dammit) Vegas is good for two things.. WIND and dust. hehe

I have decided that I have really got an interesting life.

This blog has afforded me things that would NEVER have happened, had I not decided to go out on a limb and .. write it out...

Over a year ago I got to meet my celebri-crush

Donal Logue... mmmmm. (yes readers I still have a celeb crush on Mr. Logue. ) He was nice enough to contact me and thank me for writing about him, and has emailed me occasionally , sending me pictures of him and his sons. He is yummy. A little different than most girls tastes... BUT I am not most girls... and well I am not into the George Clooneys of the world.. (gross)

Because of my blog, I have had more than one incident, where women have thought that either I or there man was being inappropriate... Most times these turn out .. well with a friendship.

Which is what happened with Jewel . A misunderstanding that actually has turned to a very real friendship. She is gorgeous and an actress. She has been in movies such as " Return of the Living Dead" , My tutor, and Zapped!

Yesterday when we were speaking on the phone I was thinking how surreal my life really is. She must think I am completely nuts.. I invited her to thanksgiving with me and my family... how fun is that?

If you click her picture, it will take you to her web site. I told her that here in the future I am going to do a blog post specifically on her ... just because she rocks. I mean .. .she was engaged to Kevin Costner... (kevin costner is yummy)

What else is on my mind...

Relationships...

Mostly me and me in relationships. Whether they be romantic or friendship based.

I have had a situation come up, where a friend lied by ommission. Which is still a lie. But, they were " worried" which I am not sure that is the right word. But they were pretty sure that our friendship was over. The thing is I am a talk it out kind of girl. Yeah it hurts that someone would feel the need to lie.. but in a way I understand the lie that was put forth. Especially after talking it out.

I am not someone who holds a grudge. When I love you ... it is a forever deal ... so forgiveness is not such a chore when these factors come into play. Especially when someone is like family ...

Now with an ex husband... NOT such an easy comprimise for forgiveness. But it is difficult to forgive the devil himself

other than that ... catching up on some rest.. sleeping quite a bit...

Reading Dead before Dark... which the True Blood series from HBO is from. AWESOME.

Will be seeing Twilight with Anniebananie on the 21st...

and emotionally I am good... gud ... gute .. GREAT ... and AWESOME

I love my friends...

2008-11-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

So.. Double D is moving to Iowa ffs. I hate getting close with people and then they leave... it feeds into that whole being left thing. But DD is my girl forEVA. She is completely awesome. I am SO lucky to have her as a friend.
Yesterday was her last day at our job, so a group of us from work went bowling to hang out and just have fun before she leaves next friday.
I went to Annie-Bananies house before we went out. She is cool we work together too. We have been slowly but surely getting to know each other. Last nite the mystery is off the friendship.. We pinky swore on secrets we can't tell on each other on. LOL best way to keep a friendship no? Tell people dark shit about yourself they tell you some about them and then you HAVE to be friends (giggle) . We were at her house for like two hours then went to the GOLD COAST casino to bowl .
Where too much fun ensued.
it was me , DD , Rod, C, Tam, AnnieBananie, Bre and her sis Erin.
and Cosmic BOWLING... WOOOT
ok first of all I Su-uuck at bowling.. BUT i have my own bowling ball go figure. My ex thought that it and bowling shoes would be a good birthday gift. Which was better than my hedgetrimmer anniversary gift.. .heehe
Shi can NOT drink ... can we just say that... especially after NOT eating since 845 the previous morning. But I had a couple drinks. Rod was drinking belvie and cranberry and kept making me drink his drink... (seriously... i was not scoping his drink he kept saying .. take another drink) LOL...
So bowling ... shaking some booty because the tunes were good. We had a seriously good time laughing and giving each other crap.
Then about 230 am we headed over to IHOP for breakfast. which by the time I had food in my stomach i had a serious migraine (see 42 i don't just get them when you are in town) and I was nauseated from it. ugh
Annie drove to her house because she digs my little car.. . (it is so cute my little focus)
anyway she tried to get her security gate to open but her code wasn't working. (it hadn't worked for me earlier either! she kept saying I was retarded and putting it in wrong) so ha ha it was NOT me. YAY
anywho I got to see annie scale the gate... it was freaking AWESOME!
then i drove home... I am quite sure the car next to me was wondering what the hell was wrong with me while I was taking my bra off underneath my shirt at the red light... but i was nauseated and it was squeezing.. .things.. like my ribcage... and ugh...
I arrived home at precisely 422 and fell into bed with my little mollie giving me lots of kisses and hugs because she was glad I was home...
and I was too.. I am exhausted... and my dad started building shit at like 8 am this morning... I wanted to kill him! or stick a saw and drill in places that made him feel like he had no sleep either...
But oh well.
Not much on the agenda today. Cept I am singing tonite... so til then the schedule includes... cleaning my car... cleaning up after the dogs... and buying dog food.
I lead such an exciting life ... no?

Saturday Surveys Rock!

2008-11-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

NOT Your Average Chick posted a survey ... and well i was feelin kinda survey-ish... so i am surveying too... :)

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race?
ummm yeah .. i am mistaken for caucasion all the time when I am actually a third native american... meh.. dang the english genes for being too strong.. hehe

Do you have any baby pictures of yourself hanging in your house?
ohhh .. lemme think... I mean ... maybe... but I was a cute baby.. kidding. I am living with my parents right now.. and what do you think?

What is the last thing received in the mail?
catalogue and a shiny credit card that is in the drawer and not in my wallet

How did you sleep last Thursday night?
Thursday? I can't even remember what I ate at 4 this morning.

It's Saturday night at 1 AM, a strange noise outside your window startles you awake, what do you do?
go get my dad and have him check that shit out.. because my golden retriever is WORTHLESS as a guard dog...
he would totally show whoever was breaking in all the good stuff and then go home with them because THEY were awake.

If your doctor told you today that you were 3 months pregnant, what would you say?
oh

my

wtf? how did that happen?!

Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
ohhh I am so saying 42.... he tries to convince girls he is a freelance gynecologist ALL of the time.

What is your most favorite scar and how did you get it?
the one under my left foot. I was 9 and running through the sprinklers and cut my foot on the sprinkler blade. I had to have stitches...
it sucked during the summer to not be able to swim... But Nana and Grandad babied me and gave me presents to make me feel better.

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
OI I will never go "bowling" again. well bowling and drinking. ugh

Would you rather have a strict professor who taught a lot or a fun professor who didn't teach much at all?
strict... but we all know that I like that discipline thing

Pick a person you dislike a lot. Who are they and what is something about them that is actually good?
oh... there is this beyotch at work Cathy... CAN'T stand her... but she has a great laugh!

If you could be invisible, what's the first thing you'd do?
ohhh this is an evillllllll superpower to have...
I would so pretend to be a ghost and scare the shit out of people for giggles. I would pick one particular spot... or hotel say and one room... it would become the "famous haunted room" THEN you know they would have ghost hunters or most haunted come do a segment...
Could you imagine ... tooo much fun!

Have you ever purposely messed up someone elses relationship?
NO it is exhausting enough messing up my own.

Do your parents like your current significant other?
I will say yes... Mollie and Samson are quite fun to have around

Would you eat 20 live spiders to meet your favorite celebrity?
Sorry Donal Logue... no I wouldn't ... But I would lick your belly button

If you could change one thing about yourself physically, what would it be?
oh my gosh... WHERE to start... I say this... can I just have one big DO OVER?!

What do your friends like most about you?
umm I dunno... I guess they can put that in the comment section and then I will know!
i am saying cuz I am non judgemental and funny... sorry SUPER funny

If you got too much change in a store, would you tell them?
I always do.

If you could read one person's mind forever and only read it whenever you wanted to, who would you pick?
my mom's then she wouldn't interrupt me when we are having a conversation i would address it ahead of time

Did you lose your virginity in a bed?
yes

What reality television shows do you watch?
i don't really watch tv.. except for 3 shows and none of them are reality

Are you dating the last person you kissed?
mebbe ... mebbe not.

If your significant other asked you to marry them today what would you say?
what the hell with the M questions... that and the preggo questions....

Are you growing apart from someone right now?
yes... myself

On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot are you?
well.. if hot means mollie is snuggled too close and she is baking my toes i am going with 8.6

Do you hate thunderstorms?
i ;freaking love them... and don't even get me started on the rain.. because holy crap...

Out of all the females you know, who has the biggest non-fake boobs?
umm me or double D

What brand of shampoo and conditioner do you use?
Big Sexy Soy

Your parents tell you they're going to split up, how would you react?
see here is the thing .. they wouldn't no matter how unhappy they were for a time being... Because they make marriage work.

Knowing Me...

2008-11-03T20:58:00.000-08:00

The other nite I ate chinese food with my parents... and my fortune cookie said:

"You are kind and trustworthy by nature"

Kind AND Trustworthy...

I wonder sometimes... staring at the one dimensional me .. of bloggerverse... how much of me is really here... I mean really here.

Granted I do share alot of me here.

My private thoughts ... my heart ... (some of it) my anger... my needs my hurts... but I do hold back a bit. I know my mom is probably still lurking in the background reading my blog looking for information...

So one dimensional me is here... almost like clark kent... hiding the rest of me ... in cloak and mask...

There are a few that I let behind the wall of protection.. that are allowed to know me ... the true me... the all dimension.. non compartmentalized... me. The ones who know me best... know all my shit.. my ins and outs ... But they are few and far between.

Fortune cookie says that I am kind and trustworthy...

But I think that I am ... evil... poison. (no boos from the crowd it is how I feel)

I often have bad ideas... bad thoughts ... I am bad.

I like bad things...

I told 42 I think i am evil... but he tries to disagree...

It feels good when your friends believe you are different than you think you are.

Their belief makes believing it almost plausible.

Bama and I were talking about friendships... about relationships... Talking about how I never feel quite good ... "enough" . I tried explaining to him that it is hard for me ... to let someone behind the barrier and really let myself care about someone. It puts me in danger.. and scares the hell out of me. Not that I am scared of the person. Just that I am scared in general. I have... never been enough for anyone.. Whoever I was with had to be with me ... AND extra on the side.

I often wonder about that.. what it is like to just be enough for someone. Be the only woman they see even if there is a room full of women .. even if they are thousands of times hotter.

ok it is a stretch but still...

But the cool thing is... I know I am not evil... not even remotely so.. Do I have evil thoughts? Sure... I have an ex husband.. if you were married to him or had his mom as your mother in law ... WHO WOULDN"T have evil thoughts. I am naughty.. Yeah .. naughty...

am I kind... yeah i can be that too... and am I trustworthy... of course... I would protect the secrets of the ones I love with my life.

I find that... I am learning ... everyday... the woman that I am.. the woman I want to be. But I am also learning ... that letting people in... behind the wall isn't such a bad thing..

In fact.. it can be pretty...amazing.

and maybe... just maybe ... the bricks that have come down little by little ... might start the landslide.

too tired and shouldn't write thoughts down when I am ...

2008-11-02T20:50:00.000-08:00

wanting to be there
snuggled up
close
personal
I am tired and longing
cold
lonely
remembering warmer times
remembering how it was
remembering
but i am here...
llooking in the mirror
and hate the reflection
hate what stares back
I am hates who i have been
hates who I am
hates who I pretend to be
but still I am...
and still I am wanting ...
but it is alll good... these are incoherent thoughts of tired.
and i am just owning what I feel...
and I feel to much in some areas...
not enough in others
caring
careful
careless
paradox at it's finest
chaste slut
that is me...
morals and innuendo
it always bites back
loveless
loving
love
pity it is a fairy tale
dream or nightmare..
letting someone past the walls
letting someone in...
for even a second is
horrifying
shelter up
wall up
close the gate...
batten down the hatches
remembering what it meant
to be snuggled up
feeling safe..
feeling warm
and watching it all
blow away like dust
ashes to ashes....

Le' Crash and Burn

2008-11-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

Hit the wall... hard..
Partying with 42 really wore me out. I am not used to staying out til 2 getting up at 4 and then .. well working and starting all over again with the party thing...
But I will say this ... I miss the little enabler terribly ... :)
Halloween me and Bama were supposed to go do the halloween party thing at the casinos... I went to the halloween store to get my stinking vampire teeth... (did you even have to wonder) and there were too many effin people in that store ... shoulder to shoulder... that shit freaks me out. So I look at DD and say.. "yeah we have to go"
Good thing my friends get that whole crowd s.a.d. that I have.
Left there went to Bama's we were going shopping at Kohl's, I met him at his house and let him drive... (yeah i have an issue with being in charge) He looked at me and said.. "hey are you ok?"
I said .. "yeah I think so"
We went to kohls and we looked around... when all of the sudden I felt hot. NOT HOTTT .. but HOT. like I was either going to pass out... or barf in the store. Bama got socks and then he bought mollie and samson some toys... *yay*
Then he took me home where I changed into cooler clothes and changed Mollie into her bumble bee costume to go trick or treating.
I will post pictures I promise.
just not yet!
Anywho... we took Mollie to pet smart where everyone said how adorable she is ... as she bzzz'd around the store that was too much fun for her.
We then took Mollie home and I asked bama if it would be ok if we didn't go out. Rather stay in and watch scary movies...
he was like "sure... I knew you weren't feeling well" So we drove to his house after eating some Sonic... *yummmm*

We started watching some jude law movie... where he was a serial killer. I don't remember much because i started snoring . literally.
I felt kind of bad. I think I may be a bad friend... falling asleep on people like that.

I slept until 1030 a matter of 4 hours...
Then I woke up watched some tv and went home...
where i slept until 8 or 9 am... got up had breakfast ... saw something on tv... went back to bed and slept til 4 pm...
I missed a whole day... dammit...
but now i am up and I want pancakes....
Watch as I randomly call friends to go to breakfast...
if you are in Vegas.. expect a call

7 dealio memes about Moi

2008-10-30T17:19:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the AWESOME Alex for tagging me!

This is 7 things about me.

1. I am one of those people that weird freaky things happen to... I swear that Murphy's law guy ... could be my boyfriend ... or some freaky sock it to me angel . For instance I broke both of my feet one , one year at walmart... the second at my Grandfathers house.
I have been burned multiple times... Once by maple syrup.. (omg the worst) to my most recent incident tripping over my curling iron chord and it bouncing up and burning my knee. I also have had stitches in my left foot from running through the sprinklers when I was 7. yep ... weird freaky things...

2. I got asked on a date by the lead singer of the band from the 80s called the HOOTERS...
no boys ... this is not some play at talking about boobage... true story!

3. I am an extrovert but have a bit of social anxiety disorder... large crowds freak me out
BONUS... Clowns ... snakes... heights and closed in spaces freak me out too!

4. When I was 8 two high school girls bullied me and my best friend and basically held us hostage at the park for 3 hours. We couldn't leave and they kept threatening us. LaDonna and I had just come back from Disneyland and these girls broke my tinkerbell necklace... (i really loved that thing but only got to wear it once)

5. I sing... was once hired for a show in Vegas... but I have terrible stage fright (social anxiety disorder) and I couldn't take the job.

6. I am adopted by my DAD. He and my mom married when I was 4. I remember their wedding. From what I was wearing to my mom and dad's wedding clothes. I played thumkin while they filmed me. He adopted me when my biological sperm donor gave up his rights when I was 7.

7. In my marriage I went ten years without satisfying sex. Not even ONE male induced orgasm.
I always wanted to give him that information as a gift for like Christmas.... or his birthday... ..
easter... something...

Who I am tagging ...

BBG

Adam

TUG

42

13 Messages

ok and I don't have links to your blogs but I see you lurking... hehe

Mariposa

Jeven0104

but if you want to play ... post it... and I will come read it on your blog...

these are my seven things... I say lets make it more exciting... Got a question or three? Ask me... I will answer....
o.O
now there could be some fun!

xoxo

getting back to normal

2008-10-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

Getting back to normal?
Well trying to ... to say the least. I haven't really been myself the last few days.
Lots going on in my head... Mainly I think too much. THAT and people I care about have this innate ability to hurt me easily. I have pretty thin skin this week. Fuck I hate being a girl... a pre-mad-cow girl even.
Anyway, Alex tagged me, therefore today I will be a good tag-ee and post something hehe

I am looking forward to sleeping... Seriously!

Catching Up Is hard to do ... when you are running ragged.

2008-10-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone...
Sorry it has been so long between posts... I have.. well had company in town and still do.
Also been working like a madwoman in between that time...
So.... Where to begin...

Let's start with Sunday ... 42 and his coworker J flew in to Vegas , and I picked them up at the airport. I know that I eluded to the fact that I am well .. "uncomfortable" with McCarren Airport. I think it is because it is so confusing. (sighs) I got lost .. got stuck and then found my friend. :) YAY!
We went and checked them into the hotel well ... 42 anyway because J's room wasn't ready. After that I took them on a mini tour of Vegas then we went to lunch at El Torito ... a small family owned mexican restaurant.
Where I learned NEVER EVER ... and I do mean EVER leave your camera at the table alone with boys.
I now have crotch shots which I will post for hnt ... hehe
Afterwards we went back to the hotel and hung out for a bit ...watched some football.
I was laying on the bed watching the scores when 42 slaps his hand over my eyes and says "DON'T LOOK"
I grabbed his hand and said "huh? why not?"
I moved it and there was the Dallas score... (grrrr )
Don't even get me started on my Tony Romo rant right now.
But then his Chargers lost also.
After we went downtown ... did the strip thing ... cruised the boulevard... Then partied at Planet Hollywood ... We ended up at Blondies Sports Bar ... The waitresses dress like cheerleaders .
so ... 42 and J were happy.
I drank ... a little too much beer.. which isn't much because I can't drink for shit. I don't drink usually. But, given the fact that I really haven't done anything in about 20 years.. I figure I am due for a little bit of fun vegas style.
I go to the girls room and come out of the stall..
There were two girls who walked in ..One looked at me and smiled brightly and said "well.... HELLO"
We had a ummm interesting conversation about boys ... and manscaping... and then she said something about girls are better and then asked for my number...
I figure what the hey ... everyone can use new friends...
(somehow now... i am thinking she is looking for a date?)
After PH we headed back to the Hilton which is where 42 is staying .. (he gave me his room key so I can go there anytime I want ... BONUS)
*Nobody tell him I jump on the bed when he isn't there.*
Anywho go back to the hotel room ... and 42 had my car keys .. yep sub girl turns the keys over immediately to someone to be in charge .. .go figure.
42 thinks I am not ready for driving and sticks my keys down the front of his pants... thinking I will not go get them or something
I did
He grabbed them back and shoved them further down his pants... (cheap thrill but what the hey) Yeah I got them again...
It is almost like playing chicken ... and trying to avoid the penis.
hmmmm
Anyway ... I ended up staying and chatting for a bit. 42 and I had a pretty deep convo about what people perceive us as .. .and what we really are. Then he looks at me and says "you know i have not really known you to be shy and ... your shy side has been popping out all over the place tonite"

wtf? shy?
me?

I went home shortly after that it was 2 am and I had to be up at 4 am.

Went to work Monday... while the boys played around Vegas.
Got a call from 42 after I got off work and he asked me to meet him at Diablo's on the strip.
which was FUN ... but EXPENSIVE!!!
42 was in a bad mood ... he had been on the phone all day working ... he got his ass chewed by a coworker and he was in a PISSY MOOD!
He looked at me and said ... " ok where is the CHEAP drinks and CHEAP women"
Well I can't overlook an opportunity to play a practical joke so I say
"I know a good place.. the drinks are cheap ... the women are loose and ... teeth are optional"
he was like " well let's go"
So he and J and I walked back to new york newyork and got my car. I drove them out to Henderson and we went to the Rainbow club... (gomer hell ) I swear you not there was not anyone under the age of 70 at this place... 42's mouth fell open and shock covered his face and he was like " Shi... what did I do to you?"
I started laughing and said ... " i told you teeth were OPTIONAL"
We left and headed to Fiesta where my bff Justin showed up and schooled on me with the boys...
and well 42 schooled on me on some things.
It was great fun until I had a sharp pain in my head ... kinda like an ice pick... to my left eye... MIGRAINE... ffs...
I looked at 42 and said " We need to go.. Why don't I drop you and J off at Jet at the Mirage... and I will go home"
He offered me some headache medicine but it was at the room... I said sure .. I figured they could drop me and then i could sleep til he came back with my car and I could go home.
I started driving toward Vegas and looked over and said " oh my gosh 42 can you drive?"
He looked at me and said " ohhh ... yep... are you ok?"
I said "NO"
I was nauseated and needed air.
We pulled over and switched seats ... I was hot and had a long sleaved shirt on so J handed me the short sleave shirt in the back and I changed my shirt under my other shirt in the front seat.
Hey there is no shame when you are going to sell a buick or two.
42 turned the air on high and pointed it at me ..
Then he dropped J off at the Mirage.. and drove me back to the hotel ... escorted me up to the room and got me some medicine and some water. I laid down on the bed ... I just needed to close my eyes.
He offered a blanket .. and I said thank you... then he laid down and started talking to me .
I told him to go find J he didn't have to babysit me...
He said " i am not babysitting"
But he didn't leave he stayed and took care of me. Which was nice.. and not necessary.. I felt terrible to pull him away from his Vegas fun.
I fell asleep for 2 hours then I woke up and noticed he was asleep. I tried to tip toe to get my things but he woke up... " hey where are you going ?"
" i have to get home 42.. work is soon"
He asked me to stay that he didn't mind ... and I didn't have to worry about it.
I said no.. and left. (kissed him on the cheek for being such a good friend)
What else...
TUESDAY...
Started off BAD ... really bad... I drove in to work and witnessed a fatality on the freeway.. semi versus pedestrian..
I don't think I will have good dreams for a very very long time!
Then...
after working some OT...
Went to the Hilton to meet up with 42. When I pulled into the parking garage...
HOTTTT security guard was there taking license plates down .
I was startled and asked if I was allowed to park in the garage.
Hott latino security guard smiled and said "jooo can park here"
I went and parked first floor ... while hott sg watched me park and then walk across the parking lot .. smiling and waving at me.
42 was coming out as I was coming in and i said ... "dude security guard is major hott and I think he was hitting on me "
42 laughed and said " yeah i bet he was "
We walked into the garage and Hott SG was in the security guard vehicle and drove in between me and 42 and rolled his window down and he drove slowly next to me talking to me he said ...
"jooo look goooooood"
I smiled and blushed
"Thank you
Hott SG: " jooo look like a real woman"
(now in my head I was wondering .. as opposed to what?)
I thanked him again ... and he drove/walked me all the way to my car.
It has now become 42's mission to get his number for me or give him mine... and that I should have hott latino sg bootay.
*sheesh I think I can handle gettin some booty on my own!
We ditched J... and headed out to the fiesta on Rancho. (locals casino) We went to go watch the world series and drink beer. ON the way 42 had to pee really bad, so we stopped at Raising Cane's and got dinner. Then back on the way to the Fiesta.
We had an awesome bartender Tim who laughed and joked with us. Gave us good ideas of where to take the boys for more "vegas-y style fun"
42 and I headed back to the Hilton and crashed.
Wednesday--
The boys took me to dinner at Bouca Di Pepo (sp)
holy hell that food was good... I totally recommend the chicken parm... and would eat it everyday ... I kid you not.
Met a couple there who shared their dessert with us.
Got them to say the words "ass raped 3 times each"
This is in regards to ex husbands... but becomes a theme this week!

Then met up with j and 42 and went back out to the Fiesta Rancho.
hey $1 bud lites...
there were two girls at the bar and I sat next to them. 42 next to me and J on the corner of the bar.
The one girl looks at me and says " hey ... how are you doing ?"
I smiled and said fine...
We started chatting
**eyeroll from 42**
J who is completely reserved was quiet at the other end of the bar. He made some comment about wishing he had a hotel room buddy.
I don't think he gets mine and 42's friendship.
Granted it is a wierd friendship ... very flirty but also ... almost like we are brother and sister... strange.
apparently J thinks that 42 is getting goodies...
hmmm...
Anywho... I introduce the boys to the girls ... I say "This is my boy toys ... J and T..."
As the nite progressed ... I got the entire bar to use the phrase "ass raped" more than once.
I got one of the girls to spank J's ass ... I actually started that by groping his ass cheek which was hilarious!
Got the two girls phone numbers... (i am starting to think people think I am bi... hmmmm!
We are going to have a lumpia party (filipino eggrolls"
They are some kick ass chicks and everyone can use new friends.

Crashed with T/42.
Thursday --
J and 42 went out on their own. I hung out with Bama. We haven't seen each other in awhile and went to dinner. He gave me an idea for my own business. I am actually considering it. It would be doing something I love for something I love... (I will expand another time)
Got some good talk time in with Bama and I got some good hugs... ( i am desperately in need of hugs..) while I was with him my knee made this funny popping noise and hurt really bad but I didn't think anything of it...
Went back to 42's and watched tv and read a book...
Which is what i do at his hotel... go figure.
i am loving the quiet and having time to myself..
42 met a hot scottish chick and tried to hook up but... j kind of screwed that up...
I felt so bad for him.
I told him that if he hooked up to call me and I would go home...
42 said NO ... that it was fine the way things are.
Friday morning --
I wake up and can NOT walk... AT ALL!
and i am wimpering because my left knee is completely swollen and hurting. Worked all day in agony.
Got home tried stretching knee... put ice on knee and took a nap.
took drugs... mmmm aleve liquigels.
Then got ready to go meet Daina or as i will refer to as DD . She met me at the hotel and we ended up watching ghostwhisperer. 42 and j were at a party in the penthouse.
We were going to meet up at 10. DD and I went to the bar after watching tv and had some patron and beer...
well .. tickle me pink.... Senor patron silver... chilled... YUMMMM
I warned DD I should not drink tequila, I tend to get hot and then get undressed. We went to meet the boys at Caesers . Met some more of their coworkers... They were AWESOME! Then we all went as a group to Hard Rock to party. I was hanging with Eric who tells us he goes by Lusty Rose... (giggles ass off) He is trying to go back to his hotel to sleep saying he is tired ... yet hands me his hotel key to hold on to.
" big mistake lusty ... you won't get it back " I laugh and stick it in my bra. So then he hands me his wad o cash to hold on to for the other side of my bra. He asks 42 if I will kick his ass if he goes for the key and the money.
42 laughs and says ... " well i don't know about you ... but I don't think it would matter ... go for it"
LOL
He ended up staying over an hour later with us , then said he wanted to hang out on Saturday. I told him I couldn't because 42s parents came to town to see him and he was with them Saturday"
So he put his number in my phone and then had me call him to have my number so DD and I could go dancing with him and the crew.,
A guy named Jerry and a girl named Jessica came up and started talking with me and DD .. (yes I have jessica's number now too ... wtf?)
42 looks at me and says " you have gotten more girl's numbers what the hell?!"
I am friendly and I have boobs :)
We decided to go to Carnivale to go dancing.. Jess and jerr were going to meet up with us once they found their friends.
We go to Carnivale... and it is loud... and 42 seems to be... not himself. come to find out he has a headache. So DD and I say no worries lets take you back to the hotel. He got upset and said no .. said he would take the monorail ... that i had to be in early all week and I needed to stay out and have fun with dd.
He really got frustrated with me .. It kind of hurt my heart.. because i can't stand for people I care about to be mad at me.
We settled it and he kissed my lips and left to go to the hotel.
DD and I headed back to dance, and this guy walked past me and this blonde bitch was behind him and shoved him full force from the back ... knocking into me and between DD. She was cussing him out and he was in full retreat trying not to have a fight with this broad. She was ready to kick his everloving ass.
and I was done!
DD drove me back to the hotel and I went to 42s room .. he was out COLD.
I took a shower ( casinos make you all smoky smelling and I felt sweaty) I put my shorts and tank on and got in bed. All the sudden 42 sits straight up and looks at me right in my face .
apparenlty i scared the living fuck out of him.
PRICELESS.
We talked for about 20-30 minutes ... working out the earlier words we had. I told him about the fight and he was laughing...
then i don't know what happened because I was snoring.
Tonite ... Well I am not sure what is on the agenda...
but Today ... i am having a garage sale and selling alll of my stuff.
It is an odd feeling to ... let things go.
I was going through a box... and found pictures of my (step)daughter... a mothers day card ... and her report on john quincy adams... I started sobbing... I couldn't stop.
It is like I told 42 ..
I used to belong to something... I was part of something ...
and now .. I am nothing...
It hurts.
or I am overly tired.
The holiday season is on us... and it makes me feel ... lonely... and alone.
Which is why having people like Bama... and 42 have made the difference in my outlook. They see something so different in me than I do. I don't compartmentalize with them ... and they get my whole picture. It is nice to be myself and not pretend.
Bama even said in his thick alabama accent "Baby there is something different"
I asked if my confidence level was different.
He said "yeah... you are more confident and it is sexy... no wonder all those girls are getting your number"
hmmmm but where are the boy phone numbers????
lol
I have been trying to get BBG out here but her trip plans got changed *sigh*
I love my girl ...
hear me BBG? I fucking love you! Thank you for the hour long convo on ... EVERYTHING ... and for just ... getting me
gosh this post has gone on fo---evaaaa
But I hope it caught you up to my week...
I think I need a nap now.

smooches and squeezes...
Shi

watching paint dry

2008-10-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

painted my toenails and i am waiting for them to dry while downloading music on limewire... sheesh LONG DAY so far and only 7:58 am, Been up since 5 am ... and went to bed at 2 am.
Gosh I am feeling hardcore right now.
hehee
My friend 42 will be here at 10:17 am ... and so I have to make the trip to the airport...
I hate McCarren with a passion. It is freaking confusing. But I would do anything for 42 so ... to the airport I go to pick up he and a coworker.
Totally excited.
Not exactly sure what he wants to see in Vegas .. well not true .. I got an email he wants to go to the fetish halloween ball. (SO can't afford that) So I will help him pick out a costume and send him to trick or treat! hehe
I know he is wanting to do some serious Vegas drinking so ... I will go to chaperone... sort of... I am not the best of being in charge....
What else...
Feeling better... I sanitized my car .. so that is good... feel much better now :)
*whew*
My friend who is upset with me talked to me last nite... a little. We still have to work some shit out... so who knows.
*toes are still drying*
So i am thinking if i am going for the whole day ... I have a day outfit and a nite outfit :))
I just do not think putting the girls on display at 10 am is appropriate... (giggles)
oh wait there is a picture of the girls in the below blog post... so they already are.
oops

Dazed and Confused in Blogland

2008-10-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

Hello Bloggers ...

Bear with me I have had a bad day...

*sigh*

Woke up this morning and someone had broken in my car. They didn't break anything ... or take anything but .. *sigh* they touched my car... inside my car..

and I feel unmistakably ... VIOLATED.

I had to go and de-germ my car cuz it freaked me out!

I am ready to run away from my life. My living arrangement tho convenient and well beyond reasonable in price is taking a toll on me.

I love my mom ... don't get me wrong but she is the most negative person I know. She rarely has anything good to say... and believe me I never and do mean NEVER do anything right.

I don't rinse my dishes correctly.

I don't do laundry correctly.

God forbid I mix my clothes with hers because my clothes *gasp* may have dog hair on them.

The other day I found out what a completely shitty daughter I am because I don't spend time with them . They want me to go to dinner and watch movies with them.

Typically I don't mind . But sometimes I feel like I am so intolerable that I shouldn't bother. Why bother when you are wrong all of the time.

I have no control in my life... and it just keeps spinning and spinning out of control.

I thought by now ... that things would start changing for the better.

But honestly it is disheartening... and well.. heartbreaking to be the person that I am.

I am not right with anyone who is supposed to love me.

And I have to ask myself if I will ever be right.

Will it even matter if I try?

But when I give up... it just shows that I am losing all over again.

I have no options right now. Other than living in my car... no options.

I hurt a friends feelings this week ... this proves even more ... how poisonous I am . Now he won't even speak to me.

Which just add him to the people who are temporary in my life. Ton's of those kinds of people ...

Temporary...

I always thought I was a long haul girl... but apparently I am only good for short trips that don't last long.

Yeah, I am down. Beyond down. Because I can't cut here are my verbal cuts today

"disappoinment"

"violated"

"abandoned"

It doesn't feel nearly as good!

Although good note... My friend is coming to town for 9 days, I am totally excited. I never get company that I can do the "vegas" thing with . Show them around town.. Let them see the parts of Vegas people miss because they are stuck on the strip. I kind of like that I get to play tour guide. I pick him and his co-worker up at the airport at 10 am . (yay)

OHhhhhhhh My friend Sassy D and I went shopping yesterday and I got my halloween costume...

ok maybe not a costume but I got a pair of ruffly skull and cross bone panties ... WOOOT ... We all know I like the skulls and cross bones...

Anywho that is my saturday ...

and I think it is appletini time.

o.O Tickle my Kitty Tuesday O.o

2008-10-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

ok ... So like I told you I have noone to lock me up... SO I had to call a girlfriend to help me out...
and who is most awesome like that ... who loves me? BBG!

She invited me up to her place, and we hung out for a bit... and then I said ohhhh yes there is the whole matter of the cuffing...

She flashed a wicked grin at me ... and THAT is where the fun began... hehe

Now.. Sports Cuffs are awesome! They are soft to the touch made of a soft nylon material.. and they velcro. Let me say this.. In comparison to handcuffs... and leather wrist cuffs.. Sports Cuffs are comfortable. They allow you to flex your wrist without rubbing your flesh raw. They are easily removable so that if you need to change a position... or move a different way. You don't have to fiddle with a bunch of locks and buckles.

They are completely comfortable.

If you are new to some bdsm play this is a GREAT set of cuffs. They are fun.. comfortable and sexy. That and you don't have to explain rope burns at work ... *cough* I don't know who would come to work with rope burns *smiles innocently*

But no longer a worry!

Now the awesome thing about these cuffs is... you have to play with a partner... well unless you are all kinds of limber ... and you like cuffing yourself. When wearing they put me immediately in subbie head space. *loved it*

I highly recommend sports cuffs ... But you can use them along side other items...

o.O

like what you say?

Red Rider Crop oh and lets not forget Iris and most of all Leather and Fleece Paddle ohhhh or how about ...

Lex Steele Interracial Dual Dildo for all the girls who love girls.

as for details.. you will have to see bbgs blog about that *wink*

But... as for me .. these were a most fun and easy toy to use. There is nothing bad I can say about sports cuffs... other than i need an extra pair just in case .

I highly recommend them regardless of play/experience level.. whether you are just beginning some BDSM play or.. if you have been playing a long time. The excitement to this is ... these are cuffs that you can grow your experience with.

A few minutes before I leave for work...

2008-10-15T05:19:00.000-07:00

Happy humping day !!!

I love Wednesday... it means tomorrow is Friday-eve which personally I think should be a special holiday each week, and that special foods and gifts should be given. I don't really care if it is starbucks and a bagel ... and the gift is a pencil ... Friday eve should be celebrated.
hehe
Had a busy weekend.. huge busy.
Bama took me to a pancake breakfast fundraiser, it was great .. We were kickin it senior citizen style.. Sat at a table with some really awesome older people and I had a so much fun just talking to them! Now mind you the golf course that the breakfast was at... was at a "age required community" hehe Anywho one of the ladies looked at me and smiled and said " you don't look old enough to live here"
I smiled and took my finger and circled my face "nahhh I have just had a lot of work done"
all four women's jaws dropped and before they started laughing everyone said "I want the name of your surgeon"
I laughed and said "Dr I madehimup."
It was fun.
Then I got flowers on sunday...
Now I know I tend to pretend that I am not as girlie as I am. But it was really really cool to get flowers.. and not just any flowers ... lillies... They were purple and beautiful and they still look great.
Lots more to tell but I still have to put the rest of my clothes on ... and get the hell out the door to work...
This is one of those days I wish I was independantly wealthy...
Also.. Stepped into an alternate universe, two guys from work actually asked for my phone number " *insert twilight zone theme here*
Also one of my friends pointed out that I have different "tones" of voice. Then I had three concur... Apparently I pull my sex kitten voice out occasionally ... (huh?) but I have an assertive voice also...
But the sex kitten voice according to 42 is ... well just dirty . (giggles)
roh k!
Happy Humping !
smooches and squeezes ,
Shi

The Female Orgasm

2008-10-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

Why Is It Difficult for Women to Reach an Orgasm?

According to reports, roughly 70% of women don’t reach an orgasm during intercourse. Although that figure in itself is shocking, it also makes you wonder about how many women never orgasm at all (i.e., intercourse or not)!

A lot of flack fall on men on why women don’t experience an orgasm but truth be told, women have a lot to do about this as well whether they realize it or not.

6 Reasons Why Women DON’T Climax

There are many reasons why women don’t reach sexual climax. Some of them maybe men’s faults but a lot can be because of her too…

Foreplay? What foreplay?

Foreplay is extremely important. For women, making love begins in the mind and if you don’t ‘condition’ her mind for sex, then chances are she won’t be sexually reciprocating in bed too. Furthermore, women really do need more time than men to reach an orgasm; so foreplay is actually your way of extending your own sexual stamina.

She’s thinking too much!

Women are natural multi-taskers. Unfortunately, they’re so used to thinking and doing several things at the same time that they find it hard to simply be ‘in the moment’ during sex. If most men can be very ‘in the zone’ during sex, women seem to have various thoughts running through their heads all the time (e.g., home chores that need to be done, kids’ homework, dirty laundry, etc.).

She’s full of… insecurities.

Women have many body image issues. While you may adore her, her mind is probably worried about at least three different things as you undress her: Is the light revealing any cellulite? Are my ‘love handles’ protruding? Does he think my breasts are too small/big?

If body image anxiety is not in her head, then she may be thinking about things such as “I didn’t shower yet, I hope I smell good… especially down there.”, or “I didn’t pee. I hope I don’t embarrass myself.”

ALL these thoughts are making her focus on the wrong things! It’s taking attention away from sexual pleasure and into sexual insecurities. And when a woman is in this mode, it’s almost impossible to her focus on reaching her own climax!

She really doesn’t know her own body.

There is a certain art form to making love to a woman’s body. It really does have a lot of mysterious curves, spots and turns. Sadly, many women don’t indulge in a lot of ‘self exploration’ when it comes to sex. As such, it’s hard to guide you on what makes her feel good or which techniques really turn her on. And really, if she doesn’t know her own body, how can you be expected to instinctively know what brings her pleasure, right?

The best thing is… it’s never too late to learn! Why don’t you BOTH explore her body? Don’t rush anything and try everything. See what turns her on best and use that knowledge to make her reach her orgasm. Make it your sexual quest! However, here'>http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?Clk=2600237">here are some clues to save you a few steps…

YOU’re not paying attention!

True, men are not mind-readers. Unfortunately, many women are not great communicators in bed as well so we have a little problem here. Compounding this problem is of course that favorite female bedroom habit of ‘faking orgasms’. As a result, YOU think that what you’re doing is great when in reality you may not even be close!

To solve this particular problem, try to develop a certain ‘sexual code’ between you two. For instance, a slight squeeze on your arm means “You’re doing great! Pls. keep doing it!”; while nails on your skin or arm mean “enough of that!”. You will receive more squeezes, however, if you know some important facts. Click'>http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?Clk=2600237">Click here to learn more...

YOU’re changing ‘techniques’ too fast.

Men like to try different sexual positions and that’s great but sometimes you may be changing just a bit too fast. Women need to get accustomed to a certain ‘rhythm’ before sexual pleasure begins to climb. If you keep shifting positions, she will either (a) never find the position that brings her an orgasm, (b) lose the sexual pleasure she was experiencing in the previous position or (c) be so frustrated that even if you go back to the same position, she may not be that sexually aroused again.

So keep this in mind: when it comes to female orgasm it’s not just location, location, location… it’s also about repetition, repetition, repetition.

Hopefully this list of potential reasons why your partner is not reaching an orgasm paves the way for discussion between the two of you. Don’t focus on why she’s not reaching an orgasm. Instead, focus on what you guys are going to do, so that she does reach her climax. That’s a more positive approach and lot more fun too! Learn'>http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/?Clk=2600237">Learn creative and easy ways to do it here…

____________________________________________________________________

Interestingly enough for 10 years of my marriage I did not have one single orgasm that was reached by having sex with my husband. It was frustrating.. and I always felt that there was something wrong with me. Almost like I couldn't get my head in the "game" . Most nites sex consisted of my ex-husband rolling over and discovering that he had a wife. And... although it was sufficient for him.. for me it left me feeling like I wasn't a "real" woman. That I was doing something wrong. That "it" was just not going to happen. The great thing is, that today.. there is so much more that is out there, to help not just women to achieve orgasm, BUT to help their partner help them achieve orgasm. This is primarily the reason I have chosen the affiliates I have on my blog. I want to help other women who were in my situation.. to better communicate to their lovers, discover their own needs and express them without embarassment. And to let them know they are not alone. It took a divorce and 20 months of self discovery, to learn who I am as a woman, to be able to talk about sex without blushing... (which honestly sometimes I still do) But, education is the key. Hope that this series I will be posting will be helpful in your bedroom .
xoxoxoxo
Shi

oOoOo Party with your kitty SATURDAY

2008-10-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Boy oh Boy have I missed Tickle your Kitty Saturday, My hectic work schedule and my earache have put a damper in my libido ... but look who comes to the rescue and right on time ......................----------> VibeReview

Yes Sirs and Yes Ma'ams...

O'my flavoured lube is AWESOME! I ordered the passionfruit flavored .. well just because it seemed appropriate... and I have to tell you it is quite tasty!

It comes in a very decorative bottle, and so even if you did leave it out (on accident) No one would really second guess it unless they are reading this review ;).

I don't typically need lube but since I have tumbled into my thirty-tenth year.. sometimes jumpstarting isn't a bad thing :wink:

O'My is a canadian company and they do make different flavors for different tastes. All unique.

You can use O'my flavoured in various instances... Here is what i have found it can be used for . Definitley with toy play --sometimes girls you know getting started can be uncomfortable. Add a drop of this little jewel, and you will find that not so uncomfortable... and ohhhh so yummy.

For you foot fetishists... a foot job with this lube will make things perfectly slippy and slidey and with the appropriate ... foot or toe pressure .. you could be rocked out of the universe...

Hand jobs are no longer and issue and you can slip in some tasty oral with this lube.

I guarantee your partner whatever the fetish will appreciate this.

Now .. granted boys ... sometimes you need some alone time.. and lotions are NOT the way to go. A good lube will keep you from flaking up .. and or getting chafed . I suggest this lube highly for these times...

Good for partner or alone use at anytime.

Now the only draw back is for extended play sometimes it drys . So reapplication may be required. But will I purchase again? HECK Yeah.

Do I suggest it for you ... absolutely .

And don't forget that VibeReview is offering a 10 percent discount all the way up to the election if you click to buy through my site.

Perhaps that confession blog I write... well perhaps you might have something to confess to me ... and I soooo want pictures ;)

O factor--- oh yeah it definitely gets the eye roll 5 " O" rating.

If you like this ... I know you would love these too...

Lava Lotion mmmm candle wax... need i say more?

Kama Sutra's Raspberry Kiss mmmm kama sutra... it is the language of some hot smexxay lovin.

my next review is on Sports Cuffs wonder if i can get someone to ummm cuff me up?

anytakers?

Ear Raping is not just a fantasy and I need your confession...

2008-10-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

Why when your ear hurts...
do people .. .i mean.. Doctors feel they need to stick something short hard and painful in that very ear?

Yes ... my doctor ear raped me... and it hurt like a BITCH.

Anywho... Things are pretty good in spite of me being ill...
I mean the headache and earache sucks ... but things are awesome...

I think it is time for another confession post... Wooo HOOO

Yep you guessed it... I want your pictures... anonymous if you like .. But there is a theme...
"your most embarrassing moment in a sexual situation"
"your most awkward moment in a sexual situation"
" your freakiest event sexual situation."

I know I have mine ready to go...

So here are the rules....

I will accept a picture of confess-ee ... Please write your confession ON your body/bodyparts and take a picture...(washable markers are fun.. perhaps make a partner event out of it)
or
Write your confession on a piece of paper... with you behind it...
I have no objection to nudity and semi nudity...
and let us NOT forget I will take your text confessions as well...
I think this could be a fun post I will be glad to show examples if you need them ...
Where do you send them...
To me shibari at ... dark-twin@hotmail.com

I can't wait to see what you confess...

You can either... submit with your name... or you can submit with an alias... or submit with anonymous...

X~* I know you will have something for me... you always do.

and lurkers of the blog this is your opportunity to participate... come on you know you can't resist...

I will be taking pictures in my email the next two weeks.... so ... get snap happy and include me ;) *wink wink*

Why I am a Man and boys are girls... and I hate my ear.

2008-10-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

So today... I wake up 4 am (yay me this is normal not ab-normal) But I notice something weird.. right away..

A. I can't hear out of my left ear.
B. It feels like i have a ice pick in my left ear

double u tee eff?
That is WTF for those of you who don't catch on to my humor.. or humour for my canadian friends.

UGH EARACHE!

Can I say as a child I NEVER repeat NEVER got earaches... As an adult I get 2-3 a year. So I get ready for work... *sigh* so responsible. Wishing I could not have an ear... and then work for 8 hours with a headset covering said asshole ear.

NOT happy.

After work I rush to the doctor and what is the first thing he does .. sticks something painful in my ear to look at it.
"Wow, Shi I can't even see in your ear AT ALL it is swollen shut"
*cries* "yes I knowwwwwww"
STUPID EAR!
So now I have 4 prescriptions and one ear medicine. YAY!

I have decidedly taken on the more masculine role with some of my friendships with men. It seems like the freaking tables are turned and I SO don't get it. I am the aloof one who can't understand all the emotion and drama ... and they act like i am cold and mean.
I honestly don't mean to be... But I can't say that I am looking to be too serious about anything. Serious .. means commitment and well sign me up for commitment phob weekly because i am not sure how serious I am about anything ... well except for that stinking ear ffs.

So is this wrong that I am taking on masculine roles with the men in my life (I am not saying i am dating all these men...) We all know i am too good girl for that. But in my friendships even.. sheesh.

Here is my deal... if someone brings drama that doesn't draw me closer it tends to turn me the other way... Possessiveness .. .obsession ... and all around creepy behavior .. well... they creep me out. Creeped out means avoidance at all costs... Not because I want to.. but because I am recognizing something very similar in that behavior that I experienced for ten years running. over the top stuff makes the "possible abuse " alarm ring loudly... Sorry but it is a fact.

o.O What else is new... new glasses-- new contacts...

friends coming into town... wooot ... Wonders if shibi drunk pictures will be in order?

I am excited .. I like friends :)

Anywho... 20 minutes til i can pick up my prescription and my left ear is begging me to lay down ... so ... that is what I think I will do...

I would so rather have spankings that a freaking earache any day!

Why I hate people this week....

2008-10-03T23:01:00.000-07:00

I have had a BAD week.
A constant headache really since Monday. Not sure if it is from the lack of sleep or the insurmountable bullshit I put up with from people on a daily basis. Especially from people I am supposed to trust. *shrugs*
Oh WELL!
I think the one thing my divorce taught me ... is i can't rely on anyone but myself. When I start to allow myself to change that belief... I find that I was right all along.
you cut me ...
Yeah ... i bleed .. but I get over it quick and I move on...
Another reason I would again like to be a vampire....
I would like to bleed other people for a change.
Anyway I have not had the best week. i had a friend die... I went to the eye doctor... my prescription is off enough to cause the headaches...
I am feeling overexposed and under cared for.
I am also feeling a little irritated.
Why ... because my biggest pet peeves have been brought in to play in the last few days...
1. STUPIDITY...
I deal with stupidity on a daily basis... whether traffic... or people i deal with on the phone...
ugh.
i am too tired to even lay out the scenario right now...
2. being inconsiderate.... hurtful ... or just plain mean...
yep that is a biggie...
3. Being lied to
I guess that will sum it up for now... I have a good healthy anger I am kind of working on ... so .. who knows...
well... except for 42 called and made me giggle til my face hurt... That was kind of nice!

I think i am keeping him as a friend. :)

What else...
I am pulling the filter off my blog... well perhaps ... the "other blog" who knows...
That and i am going to start living it a little differently I think... We will see...
Do what I do and let the pieces fall where they may...

Also .. .for fun I think I am randomly going to call 5 friends a week and tell them I love them... see how it works out... :D

I wonder what my responses will be

I think i will start at the bottom of my contact list on my phone and work my way to the top....
Or I could just start at BBG and know i will get a ' i fucking love you back' no matter what...

Been contemplating doing something completely different once the debt from the ex is paid off...
maybe move someplace ... somplace green and smaller and away from all the fuckups in my life...
Of course I always worry about letting things go too.. Worry that if I change my cell that the youngest step will never be able to call me again...
like she will ever call...
or that if I move then I will lose everything all over again...
God I hate being a girl this week.
and I hate people that hurt me...
anyway I am off to bed... i am going to seriously work on sleeping in and doing nothing ALL day.

Hitting the Brick Wall

2008-09-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

Just another brick in the wall...

I am...exhausted. Literally... to the point I can't function properly because i am NOT getting enough rest. My body has done wore out !
So much so I am taking naps when I have a natural aversion to them.
Which caused mishap numero uno ... which is really quite... ermm laughable if i didn't want to crawl in a hole for it.

Let us set the scenario shall we. I came home... passed out. COLD! Mom calls to wake me up.. talking about something but I am not sure now what it was. She even said .. "What is wrong with how you are talking"
I say "Dude.. MOM ... I am sleeping that is what!" She actually laughed OUT loud and told me to go back to sleep.
Do I?
nope I remember that I am supposed to call Bama we were gonna watch tv. So I call and get the machine... I leave some rambling message ... and say ok talk to you later love you... bye... then i said "what the fuck did i just say?!" I mean I like you... but I don't love you... who the hell am I calling ... omg ignore this message i am still sleeping.
Wide awake now...
What the bleeding hell?
Ok granted when I do talk to my friends that I am very close to I do say.. "i love you" to them ... but this ... was a little humiliating.
Remind me not to sleep dial ANYMORE...
Even if Bama is very lovable ... (yes he reads and ... yes he laughing his ass off because he knows I am a dork!
By the way Bama... I need to finish the vampire shows :)
What else...
oh yes... had a set back today... One of my childhood friends Darryl died today. I hung with him and his two brothers whenever I went back home to New Mexico. Darryl was the first person well kid that I knew that had juvenile diabetes. We were pretty close . He chased me with frogs ... and worms and stuff ... (Hello farm!) It makes me so very sad. He was only a couple years younger than me .. living in a nursing home ... and he died... alone.
Nobody should die alone.
My heart aches that he didn't have someone at the end of his life to hold his hand... or hug him and tell him that he was a really cool guy... that he was loved. Even if he did chase someone with frogs. I feel so bad for his brothers that are left behind. They were always so close.
Makes me homesick.
God, I miss New Mexico. Being there ... where the air is sweeter... Where the grass is thicker.. where people know you and you know them. Going to the rodeo this last weekend kind of sparked this home-sickness. Where Nana and Grandads little two bedroom .. one bath farmhouse seemed like a castle. Where there was land as far as you could see.
Where you are loved.
Growing up with the cousins. Me .. sis.. billip and philly yep we said those wrong every single time.. carrie .. scott (who cried whenever a camera was around) We were close. We fought like the dickens with each other... but let ONE person pick on one of us and you took us all on. Parts of me are girlie girl .. and I do love being a girl I embrace it... But parts of me are country girl.. pipemoving... cattle loading... horse riding... country girl . Who with those cousins played cowpatty baseball... Went exploring for coyotes... Got in trouble for cruising in my christmas present 66 mustang. Played Beer... played slugbug... made my Great aunt who wouldn't say a curse word if you paid her... say "shit" . We were quite the family .
We lost Billy the year he was 17 .. murdered by a 14 year old boy... God there is still pain in remembering him.
The rest of us married... some of us divorced... others remarried... and i am the only one without children.
What I wouldn't give to be sitting in Nana's peach tree chucking bad fruit at each other. Or to just sit on a porch and hear the laughter of one that is gone.
I guess that I am longing for things past. Wishing I could turn back the hands of time and right the wrongs of life lost too early.
I miss being the country girl... I guess who I am hates who I have become. Which leads me back to the exhaustion thing...
What I would give for small life without demands.. without bills to pay... far away from friends that you will never see again.
I feel so far from the places and people that I love.
Strange how the red clay of New Mexico still runs rich in my blood... and beats in my heart, and i have spent most of my childhood and grown up life... here in Sin City. I guess it is true what they say.. They can take the girl out of the country ... but you can never take the country out of the girl.
Well to keep in good tradition...
I love you and good nite...
*smooches and squeezes*

the good the bad the ugleeeee

2008-09-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a good few days... really content right now.

Bama and I went to the ROH-DAY-OH...
It was fun to watch him in his element... homeboy knows all about animals and rodeo. Although the afternoon was mostly hot. Pahrump was awesome.. It was like steppin in to the backwoods with all the people with no teeth. We laughed alot ... had alot of fun.

I miss livin in the country I gotta say.

I will write about that dream another day.

I decided since I am no longer cutting and I really shouldn't cut any more of my hair to die it red with some hilights. ((yep i did it myself)) I did it a light natural looking auburn and then thrwew in some hilights to make it multi-tonal... No I don't do hair ... just mine.
(girls be glad cuz i can seriously fuck stuff up)

So did that my parents came home from their business trip I got to see them first thing this morning since I didn't get up home from Pahrump til after 1:30. After the rodeo we drove to Bama's and finished watching the vampire show we started before we left. I fell asleep on the couch... (sigh, I no longer think of myself as a party animal)

anywho mom sees me this morning and says
"Well I see you died your hair red ... YUCK" pauses and says "I told you just the other day that I liked your hair the way it was it looked natural and what do you do ... "

So now i feel ... I don't know how I feel...

Insulted mostly...

I also feel like i have to change my hair...

Everyone else seems to like it...

I never do anything right.

anyway off for her birthday dinner .. yay... fun..

so so so so SO tired. so random and rambling it is...

2008-09-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

So here is the deal I have been somewhat out of town.
I went to Lake Las Vegas for a choir retreat with church. I am SO glad I went.
I had a great time.
Great moments of reflection.
Great moments of realization.
LOVED Lake Las Vegas, It was peaceful and beautiful.. I loved my hotel room... OMGOSH ... I so want an apartment that awesome. Huge bedroom ... and can I please talk about the bathtub. I have not been able to take a bath in a bathtub in i dunno 9 months? Showers suck i have to say. Especially when you want to just sink down and soak it all away.
SO... this bathtub... was super deep and super big. I slid all the way down and let the water rest at my chin. It was the most delicious thing I have experienced .. in a looong time.
(ok so maybe not MOST delicious) I am having a cookie with chocolate on it right now.

I have been struggling as of late to not call who i am supposed to not call.. or not write people I am supposed to not write. I hate not having closure... I hate not having a good place to look back on.

I am insanely human this week and it is exhausting.

Last nite, I went to bed at a decent enough hour. BUT I didn't sleep, I kept thinking sleep would happen but all I could do is roll over and stare at the clock. FRUSTRATING!

Topic of conversation with a male friend.. on the penis/vagina thing.
male tells me that they are the jealous sort ... that they don't want another man touching or flirting with their woman. BUT ok for a female on female thing.

HUH?

I think I have discussed this on my blog before... I see no difference. If you are having sex or flirting ... it is having sex or flirting ..NO MATTER WHAT THE GENDER!
What about a penis makes it different than a woman who has a vagina? I mean besides the whole penetration part?

PLEASE EXPLAIN MEN!

I look at it this way... if you are licking.. sucking ...fingering..penetrating..boning ... WHATEVER the case may be... and you have a signifigant other ... it is cheating. Sex is sex... period.

I honestly don't think that there is some magic penis that will make the cheating any worse ... catch my drift?

anywho ... my brain is stuck on that morsel .

I am doing really well. Haven't really wanted to cut. Good thing since Katykat has my scissors.. and how humiliating would it be to ask her to return them . Smart thinking on my part to give them to somebody.

This weekend.. Saturday even I am going out to Pahrumph Nevada for a fall festival and Rodeo.. a thank you to my 'Bama for that. I am actually really excited. I love rodeo and so miss living in a small community that had rodeo every friday / saturday nite. However if someone wants to strap a saddle on me and ... oh wait I did say I was tired right? not sure where that came from ::wink::

I am really craving some mexican food... really good mexican food. Cheese enchilada... taco... some chips and salsa... and yummm sopapillas. I can get everything but the last item but ... alas I will await payday. Somehow .. spending is just not that important .. so I will be having some microwavable dinner tonite.

I am really needing a nap and some cuddling so me and miss mollie mae are heading out ... it is time for napville on the floor in front of the tv... yummm
and doesn't heroes start tonite?

I am not sure life gets any better than this...

Well unless there is human snuggling... anyone up for a cuddle?

Not Enough.. .the desire...

2008-09-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

So ... I have had a completely exhausting week.
Crashing so much physically that it is causing me to be emotional and overly sensitive... ugh!
So... here is the deal...
I promised not to cut my flesh... so ... outward expression of cutting... The hair got chopped more.. and I think I will be paying for this til Christmas... Now above the jaw... WTF was I thinking.
But God it felt good each time the scissors snipped another lock of hair... That sense of relief...

The sense of letting it go...

I have to go back because .. well part of it is not even and i have this long piece that needs to be dealt with...

I got some new bedding... It is really pretty ... a gift from my mom... My favorite color RED .. and floral. I wasn't allowed to have anything girlie when I was married. Everything was plaid ... stripes or ... muted... plain and non expressive. I have pictures up... And... I decorated. So my room feels a little more me.

funny the song "Ihate everything about you" By three days grace is on...

Makes me deal with my emotions I guess.

The phone call from the ex really kind of fucked me. I slipped back into that mode of "yes D" and wanting to please for fear of being hurt. Does that ever go away...
Can love or kindness in any ammounts ever make it go away?
I feel like a cowed dog when it comes to him... He can't physically hurt me so he emotionally hurts me.

I watched a movie with katykat ( my former step daughters bf and daughter of my bf) GOD that movie just brought so much home to me today. The characters were rich.. the movie was funny... and sad and endearing. Brought back every ounce of going through my divorce... of feeling that immense sadness... hate... and failure when you find out someone is having an affair... I saw the relationship of me and katykat with the character sylvie and mollie. It was really good. Yes boys that was a chick flick ... so you can take that for what it is worth ;)

Been spending time thinking of who I want to be... what about me... who am I ... what do I want?
you know the big questions... the ones I have absolutley NO answer to.

Parts of me want to be fierce and bold and just go for the new ideas of a new life.

Parts of me want to hide and find comfort... be comforted... Is it wrong to want to be put first after what seems like a lifetime of settling?

Katykat talks openly with me about boys... love... dreams... God to be young again. I realized today that I have forgotten how to dream. How to color outside the lines... to forget the printed page... and draw on my own. She asks me for advice... and what to do in situations... and all I can do is draw a blank stare because I don't have a fucking clue... There was a time I thought that I had answers... and all I had were empty promises and lies... So I told her... "I do not have the answers.. life is a series of roads of choices... right ones .. .wrong ones... some filled with regret... some filled with wonderful experiences that you can taste for years after you experience them.. But any adult.. who tells you they have the answers... is a liar. You have to carve your own path... make your own choices... good and bad. never settle... and live BIG.. never EVER miss a chance to show love to the person you care for... and don't pretend to love someone that you don't"

There is my wisdom folks ... not great but that is how I feel right now.

Still desiring to cut... does that desire ever leave? Does your flesh ever quit screaming at you? I gave my cutting scissors to katykat ... she didn't ask me why, she just took them and put them in her purse and took them home with her. I am working on it ... But I am also dealing with "stuff"
so pardon the set back.

I don't have an accountability partner to verbalize... so until then you all are it... and all I can do is hope that *sigh* it works.

maybe i just need a good ... hard....ummm spanking?

Pretty Packages

2008-09-11T15:58:00.001-07:00

I have been considering as of late ... how visually oriented/stimulated people are... Think about it... you see a nice juicy steak on tv .. your mouth waters... You see a victoria's Secret model or some hot actor... maybe your MOUTH doesn't water but perhaps it does turn your head....

Everyone loves Christmas ... pretty packages tied with bows and ribbon...

Or brand new cars ..bright with new paint and sleek design... bold interiors

Aesthetics... if it looks good ... it is good right?

Alot of people need what is aesthetically pleasing to them ... I am not really one of those people... and I am not knocking people ... .nor am I discounting their choices, or needs ... BUT I think that what you see is only as deep as the veneer.

Beautiful packages can be empty ...

and shiny cars can be broken and undrivable

I remember when I first married my ex thought I should have a "mom" car. A nice used .. mini van. (ugh) i always wanted to be a cool mom NOT driving a mini van.. So we eventually traded it in for a little blue Stratus. Sporty and fun and fast. I LOVED IT... It looked cool and well... I looked cool in it.

About a year into driving my shiny blue stratus.. I noticed a problem. When the radio was on, and I stepped on the brake... well the lights would flash. This would be a continual problem they could never fix. Then the airbag got stuck and i couldn't turn the steering wheel. Soon I could only roll one window down. The thing is.. my cute little car was corrosive.. stock full of electrical problems .. BAD ones.
This is why Dodge no longer receives any of my business.
I also learned from my impetuousness. Now I think more before I make a permanent decision. .. ON ANYTHING whether expenses or my personal life. Buyers remorse is a terrible thing.

This also reminds me of my experience with watermelon. (sigh) When i was 14 years old, I was getting ready for a conferance for a girls organization that i was in. My parents decided to take me to pizza hut before they dropped me at the hotel I would be staying at. I ate salad bar. Now folks imagine this way back in the 1900s when Pizza Hut actually served fresh fruits and veggies on their salad bar. I ate some salad but what really really caught my eye was the ripe red... juicy ... mmmm watermelon. It looked good... and tasted even better. I ate watermelon until I was stuffed. What I didn't know, is that this particular watermelon had been shipped in from Mexico, and there had been an "issue" with pesticides seeping through the rhine into the meat of the melon. Which caused a young Shi to be poisoned. I was completely ill... vomiting... I couldn't get off of the floor of the bathroom.
The maid an older african american lady named Regina came in to clean the room and saw me (my roommates didn't know what to do with me) and she took pity on me came back several timesthat day to check on me ... brought me home-made chicken soup. Helped me to bed. Treated me like a daughter. She... was my angel.

I think about how many people are so hooked on aesthetics... the outward appearance, that they are missing something really really great.

I mean yeah looks are great where people are concerned... But i am more concerned with the heart of the person.. How they shine on the inside, rather than what is on the outside. Because like my shiny car... that person (like my ex husband) could be corrosive, or like the watermelon be poison. (like me) hehe you knew I would throw it in.

Here is the deal . I would much rather be with someone who is... funny... and sweet .. and kind... and loving... and ... smart... and if by chance they happen to be good looking BONUS!

I want to be with someone who doesn't take life too seriously... or judge people too critically.

Wouldn't the world be a completely different place if this was the case?

Today...

2008-09-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

When other little girls dreamed of being a princess or some shit like that... I wanted to be a vampire....
Vampires live forever...
people are captivated by their beauty..
and spellbound by their... ability to do some kind of jedi mind trick... ok vampy mind trick.

God I wish I had that ability...
I also wish I had the ability to not sleep... or get tired... or get older..

Sometimes... I don't think I am a ... "normal girl" .. Granted I let you all see more of my girlie side... my... insecurity .. my needs.. desires... dreams.. I treat this kind of like a journal where I emotionally vomit... and purge every dark thought... every dark desire... (see.... vampire!) well.. except for blood sucking . I wonder if earlobe and neck licking counts?

Wish I also had the ability to be .. independantly wealthy, that way i could do what the hell i wanted.. and not work so hard to live... and live so hard to work.

As far as a normal girl ... I sometimes don't think I react the way normal girls do... I don't get jealous.. If someone wants someone other than me ... move ... the ... fuck... on. I know I will. I am finding it harder and harder to make emotional attachments with people. I cut myself off. Stand-offish with my emotions. I think that i have shown them too easily at the start of other relationships and this has bitten me in the ass. So yeah I play aloof... play it cool ... play it dead. I am not sure. I feel the need to protect myself if someone likes me too much--and I pull away. I guess being burned so many times... it is hard not to want to wall up every emotion and bitter tear .. and buck up and just ... say "whatever".

I figure... if someone wants me that they will...
a. make the effort to really know me
b. pursue me not wait for me to pursue them
c. won't count on me to do typical girl things like
1. call all the time ( i work on the phone and i am done with convos by 2:30)
2. won't get jealous ... will just move on
3. need space alot because i feel smothered sometimes
4. will understand that i give them space too.
d. they will know my personality is naturally flirtatious and won't get angry by me being funny and personable with people.
5.they won't be so serious... life is too short to waste it worrying about senseless crap.

I feel bad sometimes that I am unable to give more than people want me to. I guess shut down mode.. and working too hard .. put me where I am.

But I also know how terrible it made me feel when that happened to me by other people...

Speaking of other people... I don't understand men sometimes.. (grrr moment) so yeah i am gonna bitch like a girl now....
this is my married men rant... sorry boys..
I fail to understand WHY married men pursue friendships with single women, that they KNOW will piss their wife off. See I have this whole thing about friendship.. I feel it is a forever thing. Pretty devastating when a wife... finds out that their "man" is friends with a single girl.. and automatically thinks that she is trying to screw him and take her family away.
MORE SO... that said married men would LIE to said wife and make me a lie as well as a former friend. (double grrr) I think that if someone is honest and up front with their signifigant other ... from the get go.. there is no issue on friendship.

"H o n e s t y IS t h e b e s t p o l i c y"

This is not a first time... a second time or even a third time ...

Let me be clear .. my ex husband had an affair with his 'friend" leslie. I would just like to say this... I do not EVER want to be another woman's leslie. EVER!

Friendship should be honesty from the start. Lack of honesty causes hurt feelings.. and everyone involved gets burned.

Speaking of friendships...
what is it with friends that just drop off the face of the earth... (triple grrr kevin) I know you stalk the blog why don't you answer your effin phone or return messages.
you who... are a friend forever .. those were your words...

ohh i am being a bitch callin people out by names... *shrugs*

But the cool thing is i do have some true friends who are there thick and thin and sometimes i am a shitty friend and don't mean to be. I have a LOT going on in my life right now ... and it is hectic. I have no privacy whatsoever... So phone conversations are usually when i have some time without being interrupted. (this post is scattered due to 15 interruptions since i started it)

Apparently... I am a rockstar at work... Should be the crazy shit i go through on a typical day.
That is right folks... say it

ROCKSTAR...
gimme rock fingers ! (and yes you have to stick your tongue out)

I felt kinda rockstarr-ish today... They have me training people how to do what I do. Because I do it best with little customer complaint and with little escalation to another head of a department. I am kind of a barracuda ... I never take no for an answer... and i get what my customer wants EVERY single time.. and if i can't well they know i did my best...
ROCKSTAR wooot!

The exception was the client chewing my ass today... (bastard)
homey needs to figure out that yelling at me ... brings out a very passive aggressive nature in me where I do things not exactly the way they want and we take the scenic route i choose to get them what they want.
I tried nice.
tried it all ... jackass was just MEAN!

This is my pet peeve ... I hate people who think that because someone is in customer service that they can abuse them verbally. Make them feel insignifigant... let them know how worthless and meaningless they as a person are and how very important they are and their issue is. When I deal with OTHER customer service organizations.. EVEN when that organization is in the wrong .. I treat them with the utmost respect.. and care. I treat them like a person. People like the man who spoke to be are like a freaking black hole... vampiric in the way that they suck every ounce of energy and happiness ... until they leave you with their black hole.

My ex mil was like this ... a black hole. EVIL . Stating she was the best 'godly' person there was ... all the while treating people she didn't like, as if they were dirt that she couldn't even be bothered to scrape from her shoe.

I always thought you should live by the golden rule... That is what my Nana said...
Treat others the way you WANT to be treated.
Not treat others before they treat you a certain way.

To my favorite lifeguard I OWE YOU!
stick it in your wallet ... you know I will come through for you.

anyway... things are what they are.
work... sleep... work...
with some moments of laughter and real happiness in between.
I am ... content...
(things can always be better.. remember that whole money thing ? and I could have friends that stick rather than run)
But I am happy...
Life is good. Life is real real good !

A Love Like that....

2008-09-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

Been kind of ... reflective today.

and it has me a little... sad.

It started about a week ago... My mom shared some of my Nana's letters with me to her best friend. In these letters she was young and vibrant... and soooo full of life. All of my memories of my Nana are of her older... She seemed older when I was little... I guess most grandparents do.
In it she talked of moving to hollywood and becoming a screen actress , of meeting and marrying Robert Preston .. and stealing his heart and marrying him. She told her friend... "I will even let you kiss him once or twice--On second thought no, he will probably fall in love with you and want to marry you instead of me"

(Yeah I didn't know who Robert Preston was until I googled him) But just like any young girl with stars in her eyes. That was my Nana. Her friends called her freckles.. and she was a tom-boy. I also learned that the boy she was first engaged to died in world war II . She gave the ring back to the boy's mother. She didn't feel it would be right to keep it.

But then she met my Grandad. He was in the Navy and she .. well she worked on airplanes (fighter jets) for the US government. She was more beautiful than any screen star of her day. She and my Grandfather married and moved to San Diego while he finished out his service in the Navy. Then they moved to Portales, New Mexico, where they settled. My Nana the died in the wool Texan was moving to a God-forsaken land. That is where she had my mom and my Uncle John. They lived a quarter of the mile down the road from my Uncle Billy... and on the opposite side.. a quarter of a mile from my Great Grandmother.. "Granny".

My Nana... was the sweetest woman you would ever have the chance to meet. She was tender hearted and had the most beautiful soul. She believed in the "golden rule" at all times. I can still hear her when me and my sister or my cousins would fuss with one another saying "Now children... remember the golden rule"

This is the same Nana when I complained about not being able to say the word "butt" let me say it all day til I got tired of it. When I think of her I think of Red lipstick and whenever i smell Estee Lauder youth dew... omgosh... it just puts me right in her arms.

She and my Grandfather were married over 60 years. He cared for her as rheumatoid arthritis took over her body... and alzheimers invaded and destroyed her mind. It was.. devastating to watch my strong willed ... gorgeous Nana deteriorate in front of my eyes... For her to forget my name... But there was one constant Grandad. He was... WAS the love of her life. Theres was a love that weathered the storms of infidelity and a controlling family... of the loss of their son... But it was a true love.

Today I heard a statement... that set this whole ... "mood" in motion... mixed with the letters... of finding pictures of my Nana... so many things...

But here it is ...

"There is a love that makes you believe anything...ANYTHING... is possible"

and i have seen it ... witnessed it with my very eyes.... I know it is possible... But I have never felt love like that. Sometimes I wonder if that kind of love exists for me. I know that on the outside of that kind of love it is... amazing and beautiful. I can see being swept up and letting that one love be your constant. The thing that keeps you focused. That makes you believe that you are better than you really are... That helps you to see that there is hope .

It makes me crave and desire that kind of affection... To be someone else's number one. To be the sunshine when the sky's are gray. To be someone that another person looks forward to.

I mean ... it can happen right?

I want to know THAT love... the one that makes you forget your mistakes... that makes you whole ... that helps you to see that there is a future ... and that it does hold promise.

I want a love that makes me believe without a doubt that all things are possible.

And that my friends is what I wish for you also...

Tickle my kitty umm wait... kitty?

2008-09-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

Ok so this one is not a kitty post .. .(rut roh) More like a tickle your pickle... but with bonuses :).

So men... VibeReview

doesn't just make toys for women....

YaY for you !

Although this toy here is for her and for him...

Let me introduce you to Neo Love Ring

The details :

Size:
2.25" total length

1.5" diameter
Battery Info:
2 watch batteries included.Material: This item is made of Elastomer, and Phthalate Free material.

Manufacturer: Vibratex

Now because i am ... well... not able to try this one out myself.. AND I wanted to know what kind of sex aides that VibeReview had for the menfolk, I gave this gift to a friend... for use and to write a review for me. Well I wrote what he told me ;)

(waits for the long list of male readers to email wanting to be my friend hehe)

Love rings also known as vibrating pleasure rings.... Give men the ability to provide their female partner with not only penetration, but also clitoral stimulation (yay girls) . So that their hands can be better used elsewhere . The Neo Love ring slides easily over the penis, and with INCLUDED batteries, makes for some powerful lovemaking, and powerful stimulation for both partners.

( i confess I like toys that can be used by both )

My friend assures me that he did not feel strangled and was able to get deeper penetration, as this toy is not bulky like love rings of the past. But it fits nicely and is not a fight to get on or off. In fact he assures me that it got "her " off just fine.

(i think imma little jealous)

I think I will order another one of these for when I am partnered. ( I mean just in case)

He also goes on to say that it works very much like a cock ring in keeping the erection longer and harder. ( hmmm girls wouldn't you like to have this for your man?)

Now as far as O factor ...

He gave it a standing ovation 3 times...

and SHE gave it a resounding multi O 3 times in a row.

He recommends stating that the Neo love ring is durable.. dependable... and she says delicious. Plus the fact that vibe review includes the first round of batteries? How can you go wrong with that... THAT is why I love this company... customer service... customer service... customer service.

That and VibeReview only sells quality products. They listen to what people are saying about what works and what doesn't work. I like the fact that they put the best reviewed products first on their pages. They also add customer and affilliate reviews with each toy so that you know EXACTLY what you are getting.

I did a little research on men's toys ... and may feature a tickle your pickle review once in awhile depending on the feedback I get from you men. I want these toy reviews to be educational and HELP you in the bedroom .

Sexual dysfunction... is not only hard to deal with physically but emotionally. That is why I do alot of reviews on toys that are not just for alone time but partner time.

I think your time in the bedroom should be fun.. exciting .. passionate only to name a few.

Looking at other men toys I found this one Micro-Max Vibro Teaser which is a different version of the love ring. I also know that no matter how much sex you are getting men also like hands on approach ... I thought I would show you something a little better than lotion that keeps things very very...wet and yummy for your alone time...

Liquid Sex Forever Silicone

yep boys... this post was all for you... Don't forget we still have that promotion for the election.

if you click through my link ... you get 10 percent off your purchase... what better way to celebrate labor day ... hehe

http://www.vibereview.com/obama08?minion=dey

Double U TEE EFF??!!

2008-08-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

WTF?

A little confession ... When I was a teenager (sigh) the movie "Risky Business" came out. In the movie there was a UN-plastic surgeried--crooked toothed... imperfectly perfect Tom Cruise.. Who brought undies .. a shirt... and raybans into style ..

And MAN!!! was he way hotter than the crazy eyed, couch jumping, katie holmes brainwashing man he is today.

meh ... who knows if that is gonna post or not i have a terrible time with youtube... I will give you the link just in case ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiPDL9S552s

Anywho... There are a couple things I learned from Risky Business... Well aside that you can earn a good money pimpin out the prostitutes for your business class. lol
Well just one thing really is sometimes you have to say "What the fuck!"
Yes yes thank you Miles from Risky business for pointing this out... but I do have to say you will forever be Booger from Revenge of the nerds to me!

This term can bring on many variations if you think about it...

For instance when you are thinking about doing something and it may be .."questionable" Sometimes you say.. "What the fuck!" and do it anyway...
Or sometimes it is just a question because something so "OUT THERE" happens.

I have had one of those WTF?! weeks I guess which had me thinking about it. Surreal even. Work is seriously micromanaging. Making you feel like you can't get up out of your desk and you are married to it. (grrr) . Or they are walking around looking to see if our cell phones are on our desk. COME ON PEOPLE!!! seriously I am thirtyten and not 12. I think I know what is allowed and unallowed at work.

Parents.. still think I am 12 too... it drives me crazy. I honestly don't know how I made a decision from 18 to thirty-ten .. with out control over my life. Oh yes.. I forget there was that whole ten year stretch where D had complete control over my life... ( I almost forgot) Which brings me to my WHAT THE FUCK moment yesterday.

The phone rings... and I don't recognize the number... but I pick up anyway.
everything in ( ) is what I am thinking not saying.

"Hello?"
him: hey ... how are you doing?
me: ummm... (wtf) fine...
him: are things good?
me: yeah they are better than good .. how are things with you. (you freaking child molester abusive pig)
him: do you still have the explorer?
me: no I traded it in.
him: when did you do that?
me: In june
him: Why did you do that?
me: (WTF?!) Because I needed to.. there was this whole house foreclosure thing and I couldn't afford the 465.00 a month in payments... plus insurance ... plus 75.00 a week in gas.
him: Oh.. well how come I am still paying on it?
me: your not. I am . Call Arlene at the insurance company she will tell you, I removed the explorer from the insurance.
him: I am still paying 200.00 a month..
me: (and this is my problem...how?) hmm well sounds like you should call... Arlene.
him: so ... what have you been up to?
me: work... sleep...work...(none of your fucking business--why the hell are you being nice to me) I ran into rachel at the movies...
him: oh ok...
me: and you ... what are you up to? (and how come you aren't in jail?)
him: same .. things are ok
me: well good I am happy for you (i hope your penis falls off)
him: So things are really good?
me: yeah they are awesome... I am actually getting ready to start choir practice.. I have a choir retreat in September.
him: ohhhh ... that will be good for you...What church are you going to?
me: SAME church i have been going to (butthead sheesh) What one are you going to?
him: none-- i am being rebellious right now.
me: oh. (you need church.. now I feel bad) Maybe you should find a place to go D.
him: yeah well ... I don't think...
me: ( i don't want to talk to you about your issues they make me ill) I know .. well is something going on? I can pray for you (yes folks this is a sex blog with a heart) I mean I do pray for you but is there something you need me to pray for you about?
I am not a cold heartless Bitch D.
him: I know your not a bitch... I gotta go
me: ok... Well I am glad things are going well.
him: tell your mom and dad and family hello for me please
me: of course I will.

ok so ugh.

my wtf moments are because..
a. he is being nice to me .. (that just means there is trouble on the way)
b. he is trying to see what I am up to. ( I didn't mention dating or relationships it is none of his business)
c. I feel sorry for him. He has burned every bridge. They keep on burning. But I don't hate him. If anyone needs God he does.
d. what is the purpose in the call in the first place?

meh ... who cares...

I think I will get a dress shirt and ray bans and dance to bob seger...

Today college football starts.
YAY! Go War Eagles... Yeah I root Auburn.
but I also love them longhorns.

Pro wise... my cowboys have just won another pre season game... I keep wondering if Romo is gonna pull it together... He needs discipline... and a heart for the cowboys. He is playing for a paycheck and not the love of a game.

oh yeah... another WTF moment

My friend whom I will call BB (heh) took me to the Comedy Store at Planet Hollywood. I have another confession. Ok comedians are funny and they make you laugh.. But when they humiliate people in the audience ... THAT bothers me. There were these ladies and they talked through the comedians sets which brought them to the spotlight and they were completely destroyed by words.
It made me completely uncomfortable. I am so empathetic that I felt their humiliation and hurt. It was awful.
I had a good time and then BB took me to the cheesecake factory for dinner. mmmm chicken marsala. He has been taking me to alot of Vegas-y things. A month and a half ago we went and saw Danny Gans. That was an amazing show! Apparently his show is closing at the Mirage in November... So I am REALLY glad I got to go see it.
I know I have been short writing here... I am just tired... and lots of things going on.
I will try to do better about keeping up ...
I haven't forgotten i still have a kitty post to do.. ;)

make yer kitty purrrrr

2008-08-25T05:19:00.000-07:00

This next item totally gives new meaning to being the Lone Ranger (giggles)

Yes that is right kitty lovers everywhere the Silver Bullet .

Don't let the diminutive size fool you this little one packs a punch...

First the details...

Size: 2.25 total length

1" width
Battery Info: 2 AA batteries required.

Material: This item is made of Phthalate Free material, and Plastic.

Manufacturer: VibeReview

Yes and like I said this little bullet packs a punch. It is multi-speed. The batteries last a decent ammount of time, and well... Lets not forget that "O" factor!

That is right friends this "tiny" bullet packs a powerful punch. I like that it is discreet .. both sound and size wise for either packing or... hiding. It even fits in a purse for one of those moments you could need to just knock one out ;)

I like that it is good for solo flights as well as partner use. I imagine partner use could head right into "out of this world" . Whether just doing toy play, or with a partners penetration that makes the orgasm that much more intense.

VibeReview has definitely put together a quality product, that can be fun ... and pleasurable. (Did I mention multispeed?) Imagine your partner having control over the speed button... (That is what I am talking about!)

Usually I try to feature some products that are similar... But I really think that this silver bullet is one of a kind...

I do want to tell you that VibeReview has amazing quality sex toys. And since i feel this is one of a kind ... I want to share a couple that are on my wish list to have for me personally... (heh) They might just end up on your list too... I also want to remind you... That up until election day they are offering 10% off for readers of my blog who click the link I provide .

So here are some things for your shopping list... AND a coupon... Thats right readers I am a quality AND a value girl...

Vibe Rabbit

ok and lets not forget... the coupon http://www.vibereview.com/obama08?minion=dey

O factor: oOoO 4 o factor..
the only thing that could be improved upon on this toy is if it didn't require batteries, and was rechargeable like Iris

Oh where... oh hair?

2008-08-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

And still it cuts...

Follow me...

into the darkness..

see how

it twists and turns

cuts and bleeds

Follow me...

She says..knowing

that this

is who she has been

who she

hates being..

who needs

to be loved.

Emotional hiccup this week.. *hic* No not because of the hair ... but how friends I let into my circle ... my.."protected bubble" even... find it so easy to walk in and out of my life.
Granted I understand... I ... always do.

but it leaves me feeling rejected... and it is painful.

It hurts my heart that people I love ... just... "poof".

*puts my pretend to be strong panties on*

I would love to be one of those people who just say "fuck that... or fuck them" I am better than being left...

But I am not entirely sure that is true.

I write angry and sad poetry and confession..

I find it very hard to deal with emotional trauma... It is raw in my soul and leaves me screaming inside my head. I never know.. "who" I can trust... with the oh so nomadic friendships I receive in my life. I have had to deal in ways that allow me to feel without feeling.

I have always .. always preferred physical pain to emotional pain. I find it... cathartic. Almost... orgasmic in the way the endorphines rush to heal the indulgence.

If you have read my blog for any ammount of time.. you will find this to be a true statement i have talked about it on MORE than one occasion..

But I am finding I need accountability as... my friendship with the person I went to with this is over.

and sometimes... I find ways to hurt myself.

With break-ups (any kind of relationship) It is devastating to me. It feels as tho oneof my limbs has been yanked from my body and i am left wounded and bleeding.

So why not bleed?

I cut sometimes.. little bits into skin just enough to draw a little bit of blood... where noone sees. Where only I know... where it is a reminder of my failure.

failure to please...

failure to be loved.

just failure.

fuck-- I hate failure...

Last friday? or two fridays ago I did visable cutting.. (my hair) this was to resist the urge to slice my thigh open.

History of the fact ...This friend and i have had two situations of breaking the friendship off ... once.. about 4 weeks ago.. and again ... *now forever* on Monday. What you need to understand this was not a romantic friendship... but a best friendship. Someone I completely trusted. Someone who fed me spiritually... who loved me unconditionally... advised me ... and kept me from cutting because I could "verbal cut with them" I would call and say

"I saw "R" and it was painful and i didn't know what to do ... I wanted to cut .. and I still do but i am verbalizing this need and won't do it."

100 % honesty... The one who could see the true and whole me .. not the compartmentalized dark twin Shibari... or the good twin ... Shari. The whole picture.

There are maybe... 5 people in my circle... and it is alot smaller today. The ones who get both sides... the good and bad... and I think maybe... love me a little.

But only one knew about the cutting... and now all are in the circle.

It is embarassing .. and painful to tell anyone this secrect.. this confession. To know that when I did talk about being poison ... I feel my thigh throb with indignation of the letters that have healed p-o-i-s-o-n.... my right thigh took the beating for that...

and monday my left with u-n-l-o-v-e-d... When I hurt I can feel the lines hilight and burn bright with the reminder that this is who i have been... Of my failure so larger than life... to show that I am somewhat broken ... and not as strong as people believe.

To know that waves knock me over and it is a fight... a bitter one to get up and try to walk back to shore... especially when you are doing it alone.

It is who I hate being... and I need it to change.

I need to be able to have someone I can tell " I want to cut" .. while i feel the words that have gone before throb in their perspective places...

rejected---useless---unspecial--ugly--failure --divorced--left--unfit-

or the ones others have carved into the recesses of my mind.

and yes... I want to cut...

I think about it when I am pushed.. and hurt...

but I want to not cut more...

I know that I will probably get a ton of emails or comments Don't cut ...

I know NOT to cut... it doesn't make the desire less... or the words that once trickled red less evident in my mind. The point is I am going for brave today... I am confessing. I am wanting this part over with ... Because I miss my friend... and I want to cut ... But I want to NOT cut...even more.

After all this is where I lay my confession down ....

Cuts like a Knife

2008-08-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

Unbearable...
the feelings that puncture
that wound
that are bitter Unbearable
the words that hurt
good-bye
good riddance
rejected
Unbearable
the pain that cuts deep
in your heart
in your soul
in your mind
and it is forever.
Still it cuts
like crimson lines
against your flesh
that takes away the pain
that takes away the hurt
that takes away the love that still lingers there
and still she cuts
where noone can see
where noone can feel
where it is numb
where the craving is.
Where the emotional roller coaster ends
That is where it is
jagged little words
like ... poison
or fuck-up
or not useful
not needed
not wanted
not loved
rejected
yes jagged painful words
forever in your heart
forever in your flesh
forever
like goodbye...
like ... eternity.
like the tears that continue to fall
like the life that never ends
even when you wish with every breath it too
would be over
Yes it cuts like a knife
dull and ugly
and keeps cutting
and cutting
and cutting.

Mixin it up

2008-08-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

This weeks make yer kitty purr Saturday was interrupted by.... mad cow... but, to be fair I did give a toy to a friend (hehe) a male friend who will be getting back to me on the usage of said toy by Vibe Review .

Things are going really good in spite of mad cow... (pms) I have been having a really good time of just "being" . I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin.. with my own set of circumstances.

Working alot tho so that kind is kind of bleh...

I kind of like the 'smallness' of my life right now. where there is not too much going on.

just ... thinking of catching a movie.

I would like to go out of town for a couple of days... head to mesquite... get a massage and just ... be NON. Drink appletinis and veg. (sounds kind of heavenly)

I am kind of basking in the light of my friends... I have GREAT friends.
just liking the whole life thing right now...
It is comfortable... sweet... and content.

I have been working on some writing ... which takes away from my blog sometimes.. but that is ah-ight. It is when i feel chained to my blog that I start to get wigged out because it has become a burden rather than a joy to do.. Writing because you HAVE to... ugh!

Chopped the hair to the jaw again... it is just too bleedin hot in the desert!

What else?

Today I think I wanna see a movie and eat popcorn and be silly.
I have my girlfriends on speed dial lets see what I can conjure up.

oh and I may have another post in me yet today...
There is another item from vibe review that could require testing of another kind we will see.. :)

make yer kitty purrrrr

2008-08-10T03:21:00.000-07:00

Well tickle my kitty it is that time again....

Yep... time to make a kitty purrr...

This week The Miracle Massager won the draw on toy pick...

Bonus for this girl this is another one that plugs in so no batteries required. Let's get the statistics out of the way first... how does that sound?

Size:
Vibrating Head:2" total length6" circumference2" diameter
Massager:11" total length
Battery Info:
120 Volt AC power cord included.

Material: This item is made of PVC.

Manufacturer: California Exotics

Now... the awesome thing about this toy ... is that it is all clitoral.. but can also be used for sore muscles anywhere.. (bonus). I chose to order this particular item, because I had a hitachi wand... but it would get to hot.. my wrist would hurt and well.. this looked .. not only interesting but fun.

First thing I noticed besides the curved shape which yields ergonomic factors. (i call them wrist savers) is that it is extremely quiet. So you don't have to worry about everyone wondering what the buzz is about.

It has two speeds low and high. Which in comparison to the hitachi are a bit ummm gentle?

It also comes with an attachment you can order Miracle Massager Attachment to go along with ... which I did receive to use to review along side this very yummy toy.

The attachment details :

Size: 3"

insertable length1.25" at widest point

Material: This item is made of PVC.

Manufacturer: California Exotics

The attachment details

Cool thing about the attachment is the area provided for clitoral simulation.. This can be a fun addition to play.

however I found that I preferred use without simply because well.. it felt a bit cumbersome to put it on .. then take it off. I don't always need penetration for a good time... so I could do without the attachment. HOWEVER... I did use.. and did enjoy. AND I would recommend to you simply because I like switching things up occasionally.

I think this toy is workable for solo or partner use... In fact I believe a partner would prolly have some fun using a little Miracle Massager torture on someone ... (hehe)

I do give this particular toy a three star O rating ...

but perhaps i am a little spoiled to some of the other toys I have played with... oh who knows ... I think perhaps i may go give it a third or fourth chance ;) that rating could go up with each application.. um I mean use.

Now for the best news of all..

My friends at Vibe Review

have gotten into the spirit of ... the election... and have given me your good friend the ability to give YOU my good friends... a coupon to use to save 10 % off your order... while earning me.. your gracious reviewer with some awesome commissions.. (BONUS)

http://www.vibereview.com/obama08?minion=dey

how do you get to use said coupon ... click the link and go to the site this coupon is good until election day.

My suggestion.. check out any of the toys i have reviewed you will not be disappointed. Please remember that all toys come discreetly packaged. . I don't think that you will order anywhere else.. once you discover the efficient.. customer friendly , awesome service that Vibe Review offers.

Maybe i am a little biased.. but i think you will be too.

Maybe pick up a little miracle massager and attachment... it is all good vibrations !

Considering ... THE CRUSH

2008-08-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

that's why they call them crushes. if they were easy,they'd call them something else

SiXTEEN CANDLES

I caught Sixteen Candles on television the other day. It brought back alot of memories for me ... Of being in high school ... of having those amazingly crazy almost pseudo stalker-ish love-like feelings for "that boy" . The one that made your heart swell and your palms sticky with sweat. The one that caused complete silence to come from your lips if he spoke to you...

Kinda like Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles.

My boy was Danny S. # 73 on the high school football team. He drove a yellow and black Charger. Blonde hair and teddy bear brown eyes. He was tall and beautiful. He made me forget my own name when he was around. He broke my heart every day at 4th hour when he walked his girlfriend (ugly wench) to her class and they kissed in the alcove there in the hallway.

I would sit mesmerized wishing that it was my lips that he was kissing.

*sigh*

We ended up at the same party during high school and neither one of us were into drinking or drugs and I had no ride home. He offered me a ride home. OHmyheck I thought I would die sitting in the backseat of his car, watching his hands on the steering wheel and hoping to say something really cool that would get his attention and keep it.(which didn't EVEN happen not even once) But I couldn't even say hello Danny or anything else, I sat wide eyed and staring ... ugh!

Yes I , like Samantha was a total nerd at the core. I did drama, creative writing. I hung out with a little of each crowd, and wasn't really interested in popularity .. well unless it won the heart of said crush. But, he was a year older ... and when 1985 came around and he graduated... My hopes were dashed . I remember I wrote Mrs. S or Mr. and Mrs. S .. thousands of times with wishful hopes for a future with #73. I adored him. But alas that damned graduation... foiled my hopes.

*sighs again*

As I got older, I kind of grew OUT of my gawkiness. I got a sense of humor. I changed alot of myself. The way I looked , the way I dressed. The things that interested me. I had graduated 1986 and it was the summer of 1987 . I was driving home from one of my college classes and low and behold who do I see jogging ?

That's right lovers... #73 Danny S. On the sidewalk. I beeped my horn twice and waved and ... what happened? He flagged me down to talk. Omgoth! WHAT?! Normally this shy one would have kept on driving .. .but I thought What the heck this chance won't come around again. So what did I do?

I turned around... pulled over and waited for him to come to MY car. He came up to the window and looked in and said "Hey! long time no see"

(huh? I don't think you ever saw me)

He smiled broadly and said "Wow you look great! What have you been up to and can I have your phone number"

(gulp... did I just die and noone told me a semi hit my truck?)

I smiled and said "Well sure Danny .. I don't have a paper but i have a pen..."

To which he stuck his hand out and had me write my number on HIS hand.

Did he call?

You bet your sweet bippy he did!

Did he ask me out?

Yep.. he sure enough did.

He took me to dinner.. and a movie I believe we saw labamba (yay)

But the best part... he kissed me that night... and it was exactly like i always dreamed it would be. It was sweet ... and tender... and will be engraved on my lips and heart forever.

No ... we didn't last but he is my biggest crush of my adolesence. He still makes my heart pound when I think of him in the football uniform... Or of when he smiled.

Crushes still happen ... i get them all the time... (remember my infamous celebricrush Donal Logue.. whom I fondly refer to as my future baby daddy)

I think I kinda like that I still get emails occasionally from him. (giggle)

But then there are real life crushes. The ones that steal your heart and keep them. The ones that hurt to not be with them... I thought of that when I saw sixteen candles.. I mean ... sometimes you get your Jake... your number 73.. But sometimes you don't...

Sometimes they just go unrequited... a love in your heart that burns like fire... and aches in your soul. That sometimes not life or ... circumstances ever erases completely.

I found this song by A Fine Frenzy which .. I am completely enamored with this girls voice right now. I am posting the lyrics... For all of us who have had crushes that didn't pan out. The one that got away. The one that holds a key to your heart ... and lights the flame of passion that licks at your heart .. and tugs on your spirit... That "almost lover" the one you think about when days are better spent ... I dunno shopping I guess. ..

Find it on the playlist ... and read the lyrics... I hope you like...

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

Well I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus] Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left, you kissed my lips

You told me you would never, never forget

These images

Well I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that

Easy to walk right in and out Of my life?

[Chorus]

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

that's why they call them crushes. if they were easy,they'd call them something else
SiXTEEN CANDLES

Writing about my...Sunday

2008-08-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday...
My sister called.. wanted to see Mama Mia with me. I said yes. I have always wanted to see the play. It was a little hokey.. it is a musical. But it was also very poignant and beautiful.
When we got there we stood in line for popcorn, and there was this mom and this daughter who was maybe 14 or 15. They were interacting .. joking and playful ... and it was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes and tore at my heart because that is what i long for with the daughters I raised. (my former stepdaughters for those of you who are new) This is what iI dream about all of the time. I feel so disconnected and disjointed not having a family. I feel so guilty of being jealous of people who do. This is the ONE thing that really keeps me in a bad place emotionally .. most times.

It is hard knowing that I have no children... not even the ones that I raised.

So we saw Mama Mia The relationship between the mom and the daughter was what really set me into a tail spin. There is this scene where she is helping her daughter get ready for her wedding. They are sitting together painting toenails and different things. I sobbed. REeally sobbed in the theatre and I couldn't stop. These are all things that me and the little one did together. I wanted so bad to jab my keys in my legs to cause a physical pain to aleviate the emotional one. But just ... couldn't.

Anyway when the movie was over, I ... walked ahead of my family. I was walking and i saw a girl and thought... "wow ... she looks just like R" Then as she walked closer i thought "oh my gosh it IS R" ... and she saw me too.

You could feel that whole awkward.. uncomfortable moment where neither of us knew what to do .. you could see it in her eyes and most likely mine... "avoid... or acknowledge" .... "acknowledge or avoid" That completely uncomfortable silence before a storm . My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt tears just hanging at the edges of my lids that couldn't fall. We both stopped and looked at each other.

It felt like a standoff...

I whispered because I couldn't talk ... just breathed her name...

and she smiled and said "Well Hey"

I said "Well come give me a hug"
and she did.
She let me hold her for just a little bit. It felt so good to just put my arms around her ... to touch her hair and to breathe her in.. to feel her closeness. Just this one moment that I longed for... for so long... and i wanted to last forever .. but it ended and my sistere came over .. showed her pics of her cousins. I think R realized at this moment how long it had been since we had really seen each other. She saw my parents and hugged them... Then the crying started for everyone... I felt bad for her boyfriend ... he prolly is still wondering what the heck happened.

Anyway she says "you can email me mom" So I handed her my phone to put her email in and she gave me her cell phone too.

So unbelievable...
and i am still processing. I feel very overwhelmed and out of control with this situation... and my mom and sister are saying :"stop worrying so much it is a good thing.." But they don't understand that good things rarely happen to me...
So I wait for the bottom to drop out.

But ... I feel maybe... luck is on my side for once.
With this.. and I have good people in my life ... who care about me.
So this is me crossing my fingers and wishing on stars...
Hoping

my beautiful girl ... her beautiful smile...

confessions...

To find what you are looking for....

The Words You Can t Take Back

where oh where has shibi gone?

2008 Shibari Style

Shibari World

partyin in primm FREECATION style

Customizing My Saturday

The tale of the DICK DICK And MANGINA MAN

Waiting

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas...

Christmas Eve Gift

Better Watch out .. Better not cry Better not Pout Im tellin ya why...

Bells will be ringing....

Yes, Shibari... there is a Santa Claus

HHNT

Wednesday Weirdness

tmi tuesday

Survey from Rocker ..

Make a difference Monday

Spoiled!

Saturday Survey ala Amorous Rocker thank you girl!

red corsety hnt ... red is christmasey right?

empty

Dear Santa...

things...

the news...

My very Bad day.. and other thoughts...

Good Morning?!

a little late... but so worth it

Waiting .. and more waiting...

Happy Thanksgiving!

~*NUMB*~ sometimes overwhelming joy ... is momentary

Adjustments...

Life is ... unexpected.. and awesome!

Trauma Will Robinson TRAUMA!!!!!

pondering the big and the small questions...

HNT ---

La Vida Loca

I love my friends...

Saturday Surveys Rock!

Knowing Me...

too tired and shouldn't write thoughts down when I am ...

Le' Crash and Burn

7 dealio memes about Moi

getting back to normal

Catching Up Is hard to do ... when you are running ragged.

watching paint dry

Dazed and Confused in Blogland

o.O Tickle my Kitty Tuesday O.o

A few minutes before I leave for work...

The Female Orgasm

oOoOo Party with your kitty SATURDAY

Ear Raping is not just a fantasy and I need your confession...

Why I am a Man and boys are girls... and I hate my ear.

Why I hate people this week....

Hitting the Brick Wall

the good the bad the ugleeeee

so so so so SO tired. so random and rambling it is...

Not Enough.. .the desire...

Pretty Packages

Today...

A Love Like that....

Tickle my kitty umm wait... kitty?

Double U TEE EFF??!!

make yer kitty purrrrr

Oh where... oh hair?

Cuts like a Knife

Mixin it up

make yer kitty purrrrr

Considering ... THE CRUSH

Writing about my...Sunday

~NUMB~ sometimes overwhelming joy ... is momentary